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Fundupage.blogspot: General Discussion

2011-09-11T03:11:00.001-07:00

Sardar: Aaj ghar jate hi biwi ki panty utaruga.
Dost: Aaj bade mood me ho.

Srdar: Mood ki aisi ki tesi, bahut tight hai, subah galti se pehen li thi..

Plane catches fire, there r 2 parachutes
Santa & Banta take 1 each
Santa: "What abt the air hostess?"
Banta: "F*** her!"

Santa: "Sach bol, itna time hai kya?"

WIFE drinking WHISKEY,to her husband "TUM kaun ho?"
Husband-Pagal ho gayi ho kya? Apne husband ko bhool gayi?
WIFE: Nasha har gum ko bhula deta hai Bhaisaab".:p

Gabbar Singh ne janam lia to uski maa usko mar rahi thi

Nurse: Q mar rahi ho?

Maa boli manhos jab se paida hua hy 1 hee bat puch raha hy
k
"KITNE AADMI THAY"
Sent from BlackBerry® on Airtel

Father of my kids...

2011-01-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

I think you are the FATHER of one of my kids....
Man - Oh my GOD !!
R u Mrs Gupta ?
R u Mrs Sharma ?
R u Mrs Chopra ?
......Lady in Total confusion......
.
.
.
.
.
.
No, Sir i am the class teacher of UR SON :)

Chines co in India

2011-01-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

Mr Chong Chu from China and Mr Mao Tiya from Taiwan came to India to do business. They studied the market, the location and overall viability. All studies showed it would be a flourishing business........
They invested Millions of dollars in setting it up.
Now they have no business and are wondering what went wrong????......??

They named their firm - CHU TIYA & Co.

3 tough mice...

2010-12-26T21:17:00.001-08:00

‎3 mice in a pub having debating about who is the hardest mouse.

1st mouse says, "I am, I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room"

2nd mouse says: "Oh yeah!? I get rat poison, crush it into powder & snort it!"

3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, "Where are you going?" ask the other two. "Home to F**K the Cat !!"

Every man's favourite ATM!

2010-11-24T08:00:00.001-08:00

The Parking Space

2010-11-23T05:33:00.001-08:00

A man was driving down a street to attend an important meeting.

Try as he might, he could not find a parking spot. Desperately, he looked up towards heaven and said, "Lord, have pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking space appeared.

The man looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Men, a useful tip!

2010-11-23T04:29:00.001-08:00

Two married friends are out drinking.

One says to the other, "I can never sneak into the house after I've been out all night drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut the engine off and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off and creep up the stairs... I get undressed in the bathroom, I do everything, but my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend replies, "Do what I do - I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's ass and say 'How about a blowjob?', and she always pretends to be asleep!"

The Biker's Wish

2010-11-22T21:17:00.001-08:00

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded over above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Yeah...you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Not just in India - London too!

2010-11-17T22:48:00.001-08:00

Grounds for divorce?

2010-11-17T22:46:00.001-08:00

Punjabi woman to her mother: 'I'm divorcing Kuldip. All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent coin, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin!

Mother: 'You're married to a millionaire lawyer, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Canada, you drive a Mercedes 300SEL... You get $10,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year...and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?

The Priest at the Races

2010-10-08T00:23:00.001-07:00

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was standing.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it."

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

Poor little rich kid

2010-09-25T23:15:00.001-07:00

An Arab student sends an email to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college in my pure gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your loving son,

Nasser

The next day, Nasser receives a reply to his email from his dad

Dear son,

I have just had twenty million US dollars transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Your loving

Dad

Divorced Barbie

2010-09-23T05:30:00.001-07:00

A father gets off work and on his way home, suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and enters the doll section.

'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' he asks the sales person.

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'

Zardari jokes

2010-09-15T21:01:00.001-07:00

1. Scratch and win

lllllllllllll
lllllllllli
llllllllri
lllllari
lllardari
Zardari
Mubarak ho, aapka KUTTA nikla hai.
(Congratulations. It's a dog.)

2. Long lines

A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line.
"Did you manage to kill him?" everyone asks.
"No, that line is longer than this one," he replies.

3. Robber meets Zardari

Robber: "Give me all your money!"
Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari!"
Robber: "Okay. Give me all my money."

4. TV anchor announcement

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five litres."

5. Postmaster General announcement

To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused as to which side of the stamp to spit on.

6. Genie meets Pakistani

Genie to Pakistani: Order me, my master. What is your wish?
Pakistani to genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: I'm a genie, not Zardari.

7. Two dogs

Upset with Zardari, his dog jumped into a dirty sewer.
Said it's not fair for two dogs to live under one roof.

8. Pakistani meets American

Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials.
Pakistani: That's nothing. We give them the presidency.

9. Announcement In Zardari's official airplane

Mr. President , We are about to land. Could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information Minister) in an upright position. Thank you.

Fw: The Bagpiper

2010-09-13T10:17:00.001-07:00

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this poor, homeless man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before.

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?

British opinion

2010-09-13T10:16:00.001-07:00

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

He tried again. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

The Bagpiper

2010-09-13T09:06:00.003-07:00

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this poor, homeless man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?

Washington Post Rhyming Contest

2010-09-13T09:06:00.001-07:00

The Washington Post ran a competition asking for a two-line rhyme from readers. The first line was to be the most romantic one could think of, while the second was to be the least romantic.

The following were the winning entries.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you're not.

I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime.

Radio Pakistan

2010-09-10T06:20:00.001-07:00

Hello! This is Radio Pakistan and you are listening to the sports news.

First, we'll start with the results of tomorrow's match...

Sex after death

2010-09-08T07:03:00.001-07:00

A couple made a deal that whichever of them died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy...Judy!"

"Is that you, Bill?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bill! Are you in heaven?"

"No. I'm a rabbit in Miami."

Website names gone terribly wrong

2010-09-08T06:47:00.001-07:00

Why it is so important to think before choosing your website name!

www.whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com/>
Who Represents: A database for agencies for the rich and famous

www.expertsexchange.com <http://www.expertsexchange.com/>
Experts Exchange: A knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views

www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/>
Pen Island: Looking for a pen? Look no further

www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/>
Therepist Finder: Need a therapist?

www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/>

Powergen Italia: An Italian power company

www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com/>
Mole Station Nursery: information on plant nurseries based in South Wales

The doctor's assistant

2010-09-06T05:35:00.001-07:00

A doctor in Dublin wants to get off work and go fishing, so he approaches his assistant to help him out.

"Roger Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and take care of all me patients".

"Yes sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day. He asks his assistant: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy m'lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this - and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in, so she does! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything, including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I've not seen any man!'

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus! Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes, sir!"

Molly the Camel

2010-09-04T21:52:00.001-07:00

A new Army Captain is assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he notices a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant says, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the camel."

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain begins to have his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

The Captain places a ladder against the camel's, climbs up it, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with Molly.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'That was amazing! Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir," the Sergeant replies 'They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

Tom Smith's surgery

2010-09-04T00:33:00.001-07:00

One Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Susie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have thanks to offer. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A collective muffled gasp was heard from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "praise the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

"I'm Tom Smith," he said.

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."

The Indian Salesman

2010-09-01T21:42:00.001-07:00

A keen immigrant Indian lad applied for a salesman's job at a premier downtown department store in New York that sold just about anything in the world.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes sir, I was a salesman in India," replied the lad.

Though not impressed by his Indian precedents, the boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. Finally 6:00pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"Just the one, sir," said the young salesman.

"Only one sale?" blurted out the boss. "No, no! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale worth?"

"$236,000" said the young man.

"What!" How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd need a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer. I then asked him where he'd be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!!"

"No," answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."

Dumb kid?

2010-08-25T11:37:00.001-07:00

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks. "Which do you want, son? "

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" says the barber, grinning. "That kid never learns! "

Later, as the customer is leaving, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

He calls to him. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

"Sure," the kid says.

"Why did you take the two one rupee coins instead of the five rupee coin?"

The boy licks his cone and replies, "Because the day I take the five rupee coin, the game's over."

Fw: Kaun Baanega Caarorepaati men?

2010-08-21T07:58:00.001-07:00

The Goan Slumdog

Our friend from Moira, Juze Bostiaum, appears on Kaun Banega Crorepati, Amitabh Bachchan's show from Mumbai. Juze has miraculously reached the end of the rounds by saying all his Rosaries and Novenas and has already won Rs. 50 lakhs.

"You've done very well so far," says Amitabh, "but for Rs. 1 crore, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a Friend. Everything's riding on this question...will you go for it?"

"Sure," says Juze. "Aum ek last chance marta!"

"OK...the question is...Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo, or (d) Crow"?

"Heje mainchem cazar... I not knowing dat," says Juze, "so better use my last life line, and phone to my friend, Pedru Pochok (actual name: Pedro Pacheco) from Mumbai. He's a Mangy, but a Bandra boy and born-and-brought-up in Mumbai men, so he's too smart - a real shaana bugger."

Juze calls up his friend in Mumbai, tells him the circumstances and repeats the question to him.

"Arrey baba!" cried Pedru, "Sarko endo murre tu, simple it is...it's a cookoo!"

"Ah-vois, sure murre, Pedru?" asks Juze.

"Arrey Baba, hundred percent sure re! Pakka!"

Juze hangs up the phone and says to Amitabh Bachchan, "I tell cookoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asks Amitabh.

"Sarkem sure, Sir!"

There is a long, long pause, and then Amitabh Bachchan screams, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Juze, you've won Rs..1 Crore!!"

The next night, Juze throws a big party for all the people from Moira, at the Moira Club. Pedru is specially flown in from Mumbai, as the Chief Guest.

Time for speeches...Juze takes the mic and asks Pedru, "Saang murre, Pedru? Foo told you? How you know cookoo isn't building its own nest? Otherwise you sarko bondo and know nothing about birds, re! Your fadder or teecher tol you, ah-what?

"C'mon yaaar! Bas-kya! Fot yor saying?" laughs Pedru. "You Goan Pãos are sometimes such duffers, men - everybody knows a cookoo lives in a clock!"

Cat Lover

2010-08-17T06:05:00.001-07:00

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats? I..."

Before she could finish, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz"?!!!

Perception

2010-08-16T01:58:00.001-07:00

Two women are chatting at the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for another hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner, which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home, which took an hour – and when we got home remember, there was no electricity, so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Beethovan's Grave

2010-08-15T08:28:00.001-07:00

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard strange noises coming from the patch where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and fetched the priest to listen.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too...most puzzling!"

He listened further and murmured, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on him. He stood up and turned to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"Fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Taxing Time

2010-08-05T22:08:00.001-07:00

A man who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the
accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear
your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.' "

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're
still going to get screwed.

The Saddest Siamese Twins in the World

2010-07-31T08:54:00.001-07:00

What men want?

2010-07-31T08:48:00.001-07:00

Keeping the Rabbi

2010-07-29T22:54:00.001-07:00

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*ck the Rabbi!"

Italian Confession

2010-07-29T21:55:00.001-07:00

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father...she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

The Sympathetic Nun

2010-07-29T01:23:00.001-07:00

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier around here?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way...'

After the police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls...I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!'

What Do You Do After You Retire?

2010-07-29T01:17:00.001-07:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about five minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Jackass - this is real funny!

2010-07-27T22:53:00.001-07:00

Patrick Hanifin found a unique way to ease his frustrations that was so successful, he actually wrote a piece on it! Read on for a laugh!

Jackass

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man Answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered once more, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'jackass' and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and heard his voice, "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

It didn't end here though.

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world! I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.

I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialler. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be, so I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "If I ever get my hands on you..."

"Oh, is that a threat? Okay - I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front. Come on over if you have the balls!"

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt!"

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street, and I was set.

I hurried out, climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

So, this bird walks into a store...

2010-07-27T22:41:00.001-07:00

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop. The bird waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos. Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!

2010-07-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !!!

Temptation

2010-07-21T01:55:00.001-07:00

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than merely a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in complete shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

Stunned, I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened it and headed straight towards my car.

Good lord! My entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law embraced me and said, 'We're so happy that you passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!

Moral of the story

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Poor little rich kid

2010-07-21T00:45:00.001-07:00

An Arab student sends an email to his dad

Dear Dad,

Your loving son,

Nasser

The next day, Nasser receives a reply to his email from his dad

Dear son,

I have just had twenty million US dollars transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Your loving

Dad

Four Cats -------------!!...it is a nice one really... worth reading...anil

2010-07-13T08:25:00.001-07:00

....dedicated to all them hard working, under appreciated/paid & much maligned government workers everywhere!

A Little humor to brighten your day. It did mine.

The Four Cats�

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.�

The first man was an Engineer,�
The second man was an Accountant,�
The third man was a Chemist, and�
The fourth man was a Government Employee.�

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'�

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.�

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.�

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,�
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'�

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.�

Everyone agreed that was good.�

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'�

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.�

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.�

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'�

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'�

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......�

Ate the cookies........�

Drank the milk.......�

S**t on the paper.......�

Screwed the other three cats.......�

Claimed he injured his back while doing so........�

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......�

Put in for Workers Compensation................and�

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............�

AND THAT MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE�

�WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Always the First lady

2010-07-10T23:47:00.001-07:00

One night, President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's Secret Service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private.

They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

When she came back to the table, President Obama asked Michelle why the owner had been so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

"Oh," President Obama said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant."

To which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be President."

Last wish

2010-06-28T06:23:00.001-07:00

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning...you don't."

Blind Take-off

2010-06-28T05:21:00.001-07:00

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

WOMEN

2010-06-09T02:58:00.001-07:00

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

Typical

2010-06-08T05:10:00.001-07:00

A New Organisational Chart

2010-06-08T02:44:00.000-07:00

A New Organisational Chart

When top level guys look down, they see only shit;

When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...

Hus-Wife

2010-05-22T21:18:00.001-07:00

Just got some forward from a pitiful husband! J

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband Aur Wife Hotel Me Gaye Tabhi 1 Lady Ne
Hello Kiya,
Wife- Koun Thi Wo?
Hus-Tum Dimag Kharab Mat Karo, Main Pehle Hi Pareshan Hu Ki Woh Bhi Yehi Puchegi

wife hit her husband with frying pan
Husband: What was that for.....?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it...
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..? Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

Message of the year
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life...!!
Why? Very simple…
A woman does not have a wife....!!!

Wife came home with a goat.
Husband asked"Is bhains ko ghar kion lai ho?"
Wife:"Dikhta nahin, bakri hy!"
Husband:"Bakri se hi poch raha hon"

Husband wife mein ladai ho gayi,
Husband ghar se chala gaya ,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,"Khanay mein kya hai"
Wife:Zeher.
Husb:Mai dair se aoonga, tum kha kar so jana:

Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai, police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kya karon, khushi k mare kuch samajh nahin aa raha

Why did u shoot ur wife ? This is the best......
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife, instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting
one man every week.

How women call their husband in first 6 years
How woman calls their husband in first 6 years
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O jee.
Yr 3. Sunte ho?
Yr 4. O bunty k pappa
Yr 5. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6. Tum aate ho ya main aaon?

Wife: Jaanu kash aap SMS hotay, Main aap ko save karti,
Husband: Jaan-e-man, kaash tum ring tone hoti, Main her haftay tumhe
change karta

Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aaloo lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaye:-(
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:- to behan kuch or paka lo:-)

Husband:rat ko mene 1 horror movie dekhi, 1 chudeil kabhi mere agey
kabhi piche aur kabhi sath chal rahi thi,
Wife:Kaun si movie thi?
Husband:Apni shadi ki

Fwd: :Winners Do Things Differently

2010-05-08T21:45:00.001-07:00

The Chicken Story...

Mirchandani lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Mirchandani called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Mirchandani called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Mirchandani called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Mirchandani do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Mirchandani. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Mirchandani a call.. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And! not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...

It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Mirchandani's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!

Keep SmilingJ

WINNERS DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY!!

Friday Funny....... The Cowboy!

2010-04-20T23:02:00.001-07:00

The Cowboy!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him..

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor..

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Things actually said in court

2010-04-16T03:58:00.001-07:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________
______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Sardar's Slipper Outside a temple

2010-04-16T00:03:00.001-07:00

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST ONE I HAVE SEEN TILL DATE ...

Sardar's slippers outside a temple.....

Friday Funny....... The Cowboy!

2010-04-15T23:11:00.001-07:00

---

The Cowboy!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him..

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor..

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Men are like...

2010-01-27T09:53:00.001-08:00

Men are like.....

Men are like..... Coffee.: The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like..... Commercials.: You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like..... Computers.: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like..... Coolers.: Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like..... Copiers.: You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like..... Bananas.: The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like..... Bank Accounts.: Without a lot of money, they don't generate interest.
Men are like..... Bike helmets.: Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Men are like..... Snowstorms.: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
Men are like..... Used Cars.: Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like..... Vacations.: They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like..... Government bonds.: They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... High heels.: They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like..... Horoscopes.: They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like..... Weather.: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like..... Blenders.: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like..... Cement.: After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like..... Chocolate Bars.: Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like..... Curling irons.: They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like..... Lawn Mowers.: If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like..... Lava lamps.: Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like..... Mascara.: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like..... Mini skirts.: If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like..... Noodles.: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like..... Plungers.: They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like..... Placemats.: They only show up when there's food on the table.

The Lucky Frog

2010-01-19T23:50:00.001-08:00

A couple of weekends ago, I went out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green.

I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard, "Ribbit. 9 iron."

I looked around and didn't see anyone but the frog. As I looked doubtfully at it, I the creature opened its mouth again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

"You think you can teach me my game?" I asked.

The frog stared balefully at me. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

I looked at the frog and decided to prove this it wrong. I put the club away and grabbed a 9 iron.

Boom! I hit it the ball ten inches from the cup.

I was shocked. I turned to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" I asked.

"Ribbit, 3 wood."

I took out a 3 wood, and - boom! A hole in one. I was speechless.

By the end of the day, I had played the best game of golf in my life. I asked the frog, "Okay, where to next?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

We went to Las Vegas and I said, "Okay frog, now what?"

The frog said, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked the frog, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured...what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash came sliding back across the table towards me.

I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replied,"Ribbit. Kiss me."

I figured why not, since after all the frog had done for me, it deserved this small favour.

I leaned forward, and with a kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous girl!

...and that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God, or my name is not Tiger Woods!"

Orthopaedic surgeon's motorcycle

2010-01-07T20:15:00.001-08:00

This supercool bike was built by an orthopedic surgeon. Love the way he's used the limbs and the pelvic bone! :-)

Fwd: Truly Amazing : Peg After Peg

2010-01-06T19:27:00.001-08:00

Peg after peg

==========

I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen

I stealthily enter the house

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame

But still no one is aware of it

Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen

Wife is cutting potatoes

No one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Chopra's daughter's marriage

Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking
out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Chopra's daughter's age is not that much

Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... Like an aged horse

I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep

It in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Chopra a horse? If you say that again,

I will cut your tongue...!

Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack

Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Chopra is marrying a horse!!

Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack

Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink

But none of the horses are aware of what I did

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Chopra is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing

Becoz I never take Risk ...

*******

Marwadi at its best

2009-12-02T22:12:00.001-08:00

Marwadi: Kela Kaisa Diya?
S.K: 1 Rs.
Marwadi: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Marwadi:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de

Marwadi on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I'm here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Marwadi:To phir barabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q chal raha hay ???

Marwadi 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!

Marwadi ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Marwadi ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye, Marwadi:Ghusse se poocha :
mercedez kion nahi di?
Sheikh:Munna. !! Ab hamarey ander bhi Marwadi ka khoon daud raha hay

Marwadi called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai,
kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Marwadi: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye"..
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Marwadi: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do...... Acha likho....... ......... ..
Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .

Marwadi ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Marwadi ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.

Marwadi ko bhoot charh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola, Ojha sahab mujhe
bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga

Titanic K Sath Marwadi Bhi Doob Raha Tha Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Marwadi: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

Naughty Cartoon

2009-12-01T19:24:00.001-08:00

Naughty Cartoon

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Boxes of 3, 6 & 12 !!!!

2009-11-26T20:50:00.001-08:00

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-fact replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''

Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at
school.' He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ' Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'

Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for Married men.

One for January, one for February, one for March........'

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Mad Cow

2009-09-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself."

Indian way of doing Business

2009-09-02T02:06:00.001-07:00

Indian way of doing Business

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
in D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third from
China.

They go with a White House officer to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my
team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my
team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, " $ 2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and
we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

Done!" replies the government official.

sardar jokes..........

2009-08-31T12:09:00.001-07:00

Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it
o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but? ?
how much is DRIVING salary...?
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night
when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is
not
needed!!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other
to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES. ..NO...YES. ..NO...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage
and
cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....
************ ********* ********* ************ *****

Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and
says,
"chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the
conclusion.. .... ...... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut -
it
becomes deaf......" ************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.
......
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam
the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father in
the
essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS

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FW: Female Compassion

2009-08-31T00:25:00.001-07:00

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no

legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

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The Saddest Siamese Twins in the World

2009-08-27T01:00:00.001-07:00

Susie the Sexy Secretary...

2009-08-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

Susie the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Susie, honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."

Fw: Ole and Sven

2009-08-20T11:22:00.001-07:00

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ole replied. Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter. But it wasn't a regular Bic lighter – this one was 10 inches long.

'Yiminy cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my genie.'

'You haff a genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' said Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opened his tackle box and sure enough, out popped the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven said, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' said the Genie.

So Sven asked the genie for a million bucks.

The genie disappeared back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkened and was filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yelled at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answered, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

The Ballerina in the Bar

2009-08-20T11:20:00.001-07:00

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

Fw: The Blind Man and the Bus

2009-08-20T11:06:00.001-07:00

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their eight children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband, annoyed by the constant clicking of the blind man's stick, says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking!"

Reverend John Fluff

2009-08-20T11:03:00.001-07:00

Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day, he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Miss Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But - but you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff!'

The landlord nodded and said, 'Well…if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

Royalty On Board

2009-08-19T23:51:00.001-07:00

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch.'

No colour

The Dentist's Appointment

2009-07-23T22:09:00.001-07:00

Scrooge phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.

"It's 5000 pounds for an extraction, sir," the dentist replies.

"5000 pounds! " Scrooge exclaims. "Have you not got anything cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," says the dentist.

"What if you didn't use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual sir… I could do it and knock 1500 off - but it would be quite painful."

"What about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still didn't use an anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it will still be extremely painful, but the price could drop to 2000 pounds".

"How about if you make it a training session, and your student does the extraction with the other students watching and learning?

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist, "but you must understand that it's going to be very traumatic as well as really, really painful. But I'll charge you 500."

"Ah, now you're talking! It's a deal," said Scrooge. "Can you confirm an appointment for my wife next Tuesday then?"

Oye balle balle!

2009-07-23T22:06:00.001-07:00

Sardar and the Police

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha ha ha ha!
Police: Kyon hans rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subah 9 baje hun!

Sardar and Home

Man: Sardarji, aapko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC ke paas jaake baithh jaata hun.
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun!

Sardar and Prayer

A sardar prays daily for two hours: "He Vahe Guru, meri lottery laga de."
11 years of praying later, an annoyed Vahe Guru appears and says,"Khoti de puttar, ek vari ticket to le le!"

Sardar and Hitler

Hitler: There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary.
Sardar: Ab bolne se kya faayda? Jab kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na!"

IT Support

2009-07-10T08:38:00.001-07:00

LETTER TO IT TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as News 5.0, Money 3.0 and Cricket 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

A Disgruntled Female Customer

REPLY FROM IT TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update in conjunction with these.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances install Mother-in-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good luck Madam!

Tech Support Team

Old Timer

2009-07-10T08:25:00.001-07:00

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around at a supermarket, when they collide.

Old timer : 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

Young guy : 'That's okay. That's a coincidence, though I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

Old timer : 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

Young guy : 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

Old timer : 'Doesn't matter - let's look for yours.'

Afraid of Satan?

2009-07-04T06:37:00.001-07:00

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone began to scream and run for the back entrance, nearly trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked..

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for forty-eight years.'

The Value of A Drink

2009-07-04T02:46:00.001-07:00

THE VALUE OF A DRINK

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~ Frank Sinatra

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And finally, here's the Value of Drinking, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers:

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The Painting

2009-07-04T01:29:00.001-07:00

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Molly the Camel

2009-07-04T00:51:00.001-07:00