IT Support

LETTER TO IT TECHNICAL SUPPORT

 

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as News 5.0,   Money 3.0 and Cricket 4.1.

 

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

 

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed,

A Disgruntled Female Customer

 

 

 

REPLY FROM IT TECHNICAL SUPPORT

 

 

Dear Madam,

 

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

 

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update in conjunction with these.

 

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

 

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances install Mother-in-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

 

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

 

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

 

Good luck Madam!

Tech Support Team

Old Timer

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around at a supermarket, when they collide.

Old timer : 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

Young guy : 'That's okay. That's a coincidence, though I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

Old timer : 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

Young guy : 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

Old timer : 'Doesn't matter - let's look for yours.'

Afraid of Satan?

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone began to scream and run for the back entrance, nearly trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked..

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for forty-eight years.'

The Value of A Drink

THE VALUE OF A DRINK

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~ Frank Sinatra

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And finally, here's the Value of Drinking, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers:

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The Painting

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

 

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

 

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

 

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

 

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

 

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."