Fw: The Blind Man and the Bus

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their eight children.

 

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

 

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

 

After a while, the husband, annoyed by the constant clicking of the blind man's stick, says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!

 

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking!"

Reverend John Fluff

Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

 

One day, he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

 

The Reverend wasn't happy.

 

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

 

'Miss Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

 

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

 

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

 

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

 

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

 

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

 

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

 

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But - but you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff!'

 

The landlord nodded and said, 'Well…if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

Royalty On Board

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch.'

No colour

The Dentist's Appointment

Scrooge phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.

 

"It's 5000 pounds for an extraction, sir," the dentist replies.

 

"5000 pounds! " Scrooge exclaims. "Have you not got anything cheaper?"

 

"That's the normal charge," says the dentist.

 

"What if you didn't use any anaesthetic?"

 

"That's unusual sir… I could do it and knock 1500 off - but it would be quite painful."

 

"What about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still didn't use an anaesthetic?"

 

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it will still be extremely painful, but the price could drop to 2000 pounds".

 

"How about if you make it a training session, and your student does the extraction with the other students watching and learning?

 

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist, "but you must understand that it's going to be very traumatic as well as really, really painful. But I'll charge you 500."

 

"Ah, now you're talking! It's a deal," said Scrooge. "Can you confirm an appointment for my wife next Tuesday then?"

Oye balle balle!

Sardar and the Police

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha ha ha ha!
Police: Kyon hans rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subah 9 baje hun!

Sardar and Home

Man: Sardarji, aapko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC ke paas jaake baithh jaata hun.
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun!

Sardar and Prayer

A sardar prays daily for two hours: "He Vahe Guru, meri lottery laga de."
11 years of praying later, an annoyed Vahe Guru appears and says,"Khoti de puttar, ek vari ticket to le le!"

Sardar and Hitler

 

Hitler: There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary.
Sardar: Ab bolne se kya faayda? Jab kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na!"