FW: Female Compassion

 

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no

legs.  Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

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The Saddest Siamese Twins in the World

Susie the Sexy Secretary...

Susie the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Susie, honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."

Fw: Ole and Sven

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ole replied. Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter. But it wasn't a regular Bic lighter – this one was 10 inches long.

'Yiminy cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my genie.'

'You haff a genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' said Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opened his tackle box and sure enough, out popped the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven said, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' said the Genie.

So Sven asked the genie for a million bucks.

The genie disappeared back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkened and was filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yelled at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answered, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

The Ballerina in the Bar

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'


Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'


The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'