What men want?

Keeping the Rabbi

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*ck the Rabbi!"

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

 

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

 

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

 

"There is more to tell, Father...she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

 

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

 

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

 

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

 

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

The Sympathetic Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier around here?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way...'

After the police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls...I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!'

What Do You Do After You Retire?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. 

We were only in there for about five minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. 

I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home. 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.