Cat Lover

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats? I..."

Before she could finish, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz"?!!!

Perception

Two women are chatting at the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for another hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner, which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home, which took an hour – and when we got home remember, there was no electricity, so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Beethovan's Grave

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard strange noises coming from the patch where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and fetched the priest to listen.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too...most puzzling!"

He listened further and murmured, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on him. He stood up and turned to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"Fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Taxing Time

A man who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the
accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear
your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.' "

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're
still going to get screwed.

The Saddest Siamese Twins in the World