Friday Funny....... The Cowboy!

The   Cowboy!   A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted  wife. She  was a very good-looking  woman and determined to  keep the ranch, but knew very little about   ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch   hand. Two  cowboys applied for the  job. One was gay and the  other a drunk. She thought long and hard  about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire  the gay guy,  figuring it would be safer to have  him around the house than the drunk. He  proved to be a hard worker  who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For   weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was  doing very well. Then  one day, the rancher's  widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the   ranch looks great You should go into town and  kick up your heels.'   The  hired hand readily agreed  and went into town one Saturday  night. One  o'clock came, however, and  he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned   around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,  he found the rancher's  widow sitting by the  fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for   him.. She  quietly called him over to   her. 'Unbutton  my blouse and take it  off,' she said.   Trembling, he did as she   directed. 'Now  take off my  boots.' He did as she asked, ever so   slowly. 'Now   take off my stockings.' He removed each gently  and placed them neatly  by her  boots. 'Now  take off my  skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it,  constantly watching her eyes  in the fire   light. 'Now  take off my  bra.' Again, with trembling hands,  he did as he was told and  dropped it to the   floor.. Then  she looked at him and  said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Things actually said in court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________
______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Sardar's Slipper Outside a temple

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST ONE I HAVE SEEN TILL DATE ... Sardar's slippers outside a temple..... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Friday Funny....... The Cowboy!

--- The   Cowboy!   A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted  wife. She  was a very good-looking  woman and determined to  keep the ranch, but knew very little about   ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch   hand. Two  cowboys applied for the  job. One was gay and the  other a drunk. She thought long and hard  about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire  the gay guy,  figuring it would be safer to have  him around the house than the drunk. He  proved to be a hard worker  who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For   weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was  doing very well. Then  one day, the rancher's  widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the   ranch looks great You should go into town and  kick up your heels.'   The  hired hand readily agreed  and went into town one Saturday  night. One  o'clock came, however, and  he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned   around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,  he found the rancher's  widow sitting by the  fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for   him.. She  quietly called him over to   her. 'Unbutton  my blouse and take it  off,' she said.   Trembling, he did as she   directed. 'Now  take off my  boots.' He did as she asked, ever so   slowly. 'Now   take off my stockings.' He removed each gently  and placed them neatly  by her  boots. 'Now  take off my  skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it,  constantly watching her eyes  in the fire   light. 'Now  take off my  bra.' Again, with trembling hands,  he did as he was told and  dropped it to the   floor.. Then  she looked at him and  said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Men are like...

Men are like.....

Men are like..... Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like..... Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like..... Computers.

Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like..... Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like..... Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like..... Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like..... Bank Accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate interest.

Men are like..... Bike helmets.

Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.

Men are like..... Snowstorms.

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Men are like..... Used Cars.

Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like..... Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like..... Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... High heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like..... Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like..... Weather.

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like..... Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like..... Cement.

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like..... Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like..... Curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like..... Lawn Mowers.

If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like..... Lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like..... Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like..... Noodles.

They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like..... Plungers.

They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like..... Placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.