WOMEN !!

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic ;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

to surround himself with intelligent people

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr.President..
Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington , decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over thequestion for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our
Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh !"

:)) :))

Talking Irish Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Irish lad led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.

'Issss nod a gong… Issss a talkin' Irish clock' he slurred drunkenly.

'A talking Irish clock…naw…seriously?'

'Yup…hmmm (hic!).'

'How does it work then?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch,' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid w#%ker! It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!'

Kashmir

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United
Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about?
The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.
'And they say Kashmir belongs to them...............................................

The Ski Trip

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

The lady hesitated. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.....

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Mensa's new words - superb!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative!

Intaxication

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation

Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Bozone (n.)

The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

Cashtration (n.)

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

Giraffiti

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

Inoculatte

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late

Hipatitis

Terminal coolness

Osteopornosis

A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer

Decafalon (n.)

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

Glibido

All talk and no action

Dopeler Effect

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.)

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web

Beelzebug (n.)

Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out

Caterpallor (n.)

The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating

And the one you'll probably be using the most:

Ignoranus

A person who's both stupid and an asshole

AmAzINg!!! UK's Queen is Indian!!

Drink Australian, Think Australian

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. One evening, he visits the local bar, where he is served by an Australian barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening, they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him, she says no.

So he offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. She thinks for a bit, but as she's travelling around the world and is short of funds, she agrees. They go to his place and have a great time in bed.

The next night the guy turns up again. Once again he orders a Foster's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for five nights.

On the sixth night, the guy comes in again and orders a Foster's, but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him a little more attention, she might be able to shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

"So, I never asked," she smiles, "Where are you from in Australia?"

"Melbourne", he tells her.

"Really? So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing!" she says excitedly, "So am I! What street?"

"Cameo Street," he replies.

"This is unbelievable!" she says, her voice quavering. "What number?"

"Number 20," he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know," he says, "Your dad gave me 1,000 bucks to give to you."

Snippets from the US political board

• All the world leaders are in New York City attending the U.N. General Assembly. Some are doing some shopping. The Japanese premier, for example, got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

• At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group called "Blacks Against Obama." Actually it was a pretty small group - just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

• Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley will no longer be investment banks and are now just regular commercial banks. But to keep their executive bonuses high, customers will be charged $17,000 every time they use the ATM.

• Vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations and met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia, and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska.

• Yesterday, President Bush gave a speech on the economic crisis. The title of Bush's speech: "Two More Months and It Ain't My Problem."

• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s he smoked marijuana. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned that you could understand every word he was saying.

• Iranian President Ahmadinejad also spoke at the U.N. earlier today. This is a guy who hates Jews and gays. Boy is he in the wrong town.

• The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He's not stalling - it's just going to take a long time to print them out.

• The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?"

• The presidential election is getting closer. It's now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name versus Sarah Palin and what's his name.

• Apparently, one of Sarah Palin's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion.
• The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, "How can we make our candidate more white?"

• Some sad news yesterday in Malibu. Actor Ryan O'Neal and his son were arrested after authorities found methamphetamines in their home. The good news, since it's Malibu, there's a rehab centre right across the street.

• Paris Hilton is our guest on the show tonight......unless she needs to rush to Washington to fix the economy - David Letterman

• President Bush, Barack Obama and John McCain are having an emergency meeting at the White House today to discuss the financial crisis. Together, the three men hope to find a way to blame this all on Ralph Nader.

• Sarah Palin was at the U.N. to meet some world leaders. The president of Pakistan actually told Palin that she was gorgeous. But you know, he said the same thing to Joe Biden, so I don't know what the deal is.

• Michelle Obama says she keeps her kids entertained on the campaign trail by throwing slumber parties. Which, coincidentally, is how Bill Clinton kept himself entertained during his campaign.

• Sarah Palin is training hard in Arizona for the vice presidential debate. She says it has really helped her on foreign policy because from Arizona she can see Mexico.

Killing English

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette...? "

*********************************************************************

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

*******************************************

once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america .."

*******************************************

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

*******************************************

dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

*******************************************

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

*******************************************

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

*******************************************

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

*******************************************

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

*******************************************

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

*******************************************

"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

****************************** *************

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

*******************************************

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us....

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

*******************************************

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

*******************************************

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

*******************************************

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

********************************************

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class...

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

The Nun in the Rest Room

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink Sister?"

Half an investment opportunity

If anyone would like to invest in half of a racehorse that's tipped to be this year's winner, give me a shout and we'll discuss details. The animal is in peak condition and will come with accessories.

Picture below.

Dear God

Resermay

Deer Sir,

I wont to apply for the secritary job wat I saw in the paper. I can type real quik wit one finga and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a job as a secritary but it musent be to complicated.I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can win people over wit my persenallety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you i advanse for yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplic an t so farr.


Sinserly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Cos my resermay's so short, i am inclosen a picher of me.

Employer's response

Dear Peggy May,

It's okay honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday!

Regards,

The Manager

Sarah Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The nuns look excitedly at each other. "Oh my!" the first nun says, "I want to go back as Sophia Loren!" Poof! She disappears.

The second nun steps forward. "I want to be Madonna!" she says and - poof! - she's gone too.

It's the turn of the third nun. She can hardly contain herself. "I want to be Sarah Pipalini!" she beams.

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Er...who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini!" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit pocket and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads
the paper and rolls his eyes. He hands it back to her and sighs. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."