A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
Rather dejected at his poor performance, he asked the monsignor after mass, how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'Well, when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
The next Sunday, the young priest decided to take the monsignor's advice.
Looking out at the large congregation which he was about to address, his knees buckled a bit. He reached out and took a rather large swig of his drink and began.
The congregation was all ears as he proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found a note from the monsignor on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'Daddy, Junior and the spook'.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the cCherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub-thanks-for-the-grub-Yeah-God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
