Poor little rich kid

An Arab student sends an email to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college in my pure gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your loving son,

Nasser

  

  

The next day, Nasser receives a reply to his email from his dad

Dear son,

I have just had twenty million US dollars transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Your loving

Dad

Divorced Barbie

A father gets off work and on his way home, suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. 

He pulls over to a toy shop and enters the doll section.

'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' he asks the sales person. 

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'

Zardari jokes

1. Scratch and win

lllllllllllll
lllllllllli
llllllllri
lllllari
lllardari
Zardari
Mubarak ho, aapka KUTTA nikla hai.
(Congratulations. It's a dog.)

2. Long lines

A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line.
"Did you manage to kill him?" everyone asks.
"No, that line is longer than this one," he replies.

3. Robber meets Zardari

Robber: "Give me all your money!"
Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari!"
Robber: "Okay. Give me all my money."

4. TV anchor announcement

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five litres."

5. Postmaster General announcement

To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused as to which side of the stamp to spit on.

6. Genie meets Pakistani

Genie to Pakistani: Order me, my master. What is your wish?
Pakistani to genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: I'm a genie, not Zardari.

7. Two dogs

Upset with Zardari, his dog jumped into a dirty sewer.
Said it's not fair for two dogs to live under one roof.

8. Pakistani meets American

Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials.
Pakistani: That's nothing. We give them the presidency.

9. Announcement In Zardari's official airplane

Mr. President , We are about to land. Could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information Minister) in an upright position. Thank you.

 

Fw: The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this poor, homeless man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before.

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?                             

British opinion

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 

He tried again. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this poor, homeless man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before.

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?                             

Washington Post Rhyming Contest

The Washington Post ran a competition asking for a two-line rhyme from readers. The first line was to be the most romantic one could think of, while the second was to be the least romantic.

The following were the winning entries.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, 
Marrying you screwed up my life. 
                
I see your face when I am dreaming. 
That's why I always wake up screaming. 
                
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; 
This describes everything you're not. 
                                                      
I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother. 
                
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. 
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 
                
I want to feel your sweet embrace; 
But don't take that paper bag off your face. 
                                
My love, you take my breath away. 
What have you stepped in to smell this way? 
                
My feelings for you no words can tell, 
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'       

     

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- 
Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 
  
What inspired this amorous rhyme? 
Two parts tequila, one part lime.

Radio Pakistan

Hello! This is Radio Pakistan and you are listening to the sports news.

First, we'll start with the results of tomorrow's match...

Sex after death

A couple made a deal that whichever of them died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death.

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy...Judy!"

 

"Is that you, Bill?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

 

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

 

After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.

 

I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

 

"Oh, Bill! Are you in heaven?"

 

"No. I'm a rabbit in Miami."

 

Website names gone terribly wrong

Why it is so important to think before choosing your website name!

www.whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com/> 
Who Represents: A database for agencies for the rich and famous


www.expertsexchange.com <http://www.expertsexchange.com/> 
Experts Exchange: A knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views

www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/> 
Pen Island: Looking for a pen? Look no further

www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/> 
Therepist Finder: Need a therapist?

www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/> 

Powergen Italia: An Italian power company

www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com/> 
Mole Station Nursery: information on plant nurseries based in South Wales

The doctor's assistant

 

A doctor in Dublin wants to get off work and go fishing, so he approaches his assistant to help him out.   "Roger Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and take care of all me patients".    "Yes sir!" answers Murphy.    The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day. He asks his assistant: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"    Murphy tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."      "Bravo Murphy m'lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.    "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir," says Murphy.    "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this - and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.    "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in, so she does! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything, including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I've not seen any man!'    "Thunderin' Lord Jesus! Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.    "I put drops in her eyes, sir!"

 

 

Molly the Camel

A new Army Captain is assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

 

During his first inspection of the outfit, he notices a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

 

The nervous sergeant says, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the camel."

 

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

 

About a month later, the Captain begins to have his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

 

The Captain places a ladder against the camel's, climbs up it, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with Molly.

 

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'That was amazing! Is that how the men do it?'

 

'No sir," the Sergeant replies 'They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

Tom Smith's surgery

One Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Susie Smith stood and walked to the podium. 

She said, "I have thanks to offer. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

A collective muffled gasp was heard from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "praise the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief. 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 

"I'm Tom Smith," he said. 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."

The Indian Salesman

A keen immigrant Indian lad applied for a salesman's job at a premier downtown department store in New York that sold just about anything in the world.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes sir, I was a salesman in India," replied the lad.

Though not impressed by his Indian precedents, the boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. Finally 6:00pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"Just the one, sir," said the young salesman.

"Only one sale?" blurted out the boss. "No, no! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale worth?"

"$236,000" said the young man.

"What!" How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd need a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer. I then asked him where he'd be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!!"

"No," answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."