Last wish

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that  the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours  left. 

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey,  please... just one more time before I  die."

She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third  time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more  hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"

At  this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen  Morris, I have to get up in the morning...you  don't."

Blind Take-off

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

 
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
 
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

WOMEN

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.  I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited.  She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.  I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

Typical

A New Organisational Chart

A New Organisational Chart

When top level guys look down, they see only shit;

When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...