Life’s funny moments – a true story

A plane flying from Seattle to San Francisco was unexpectedly diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The flight attendant had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog had lain quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we'll be in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady smiled and said, "No thanks Sam, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs...could you take him out for a while?"

A few minutes later, the passengers at the gate area gaped as the pilot, wearing sunglasses and with his coat over his arm, walked off the plane led by a seeing-eye dog on a leash!

Shocked and terrified that they had been on a plane flown by a blind pilot, the group scrambled to change planes. Some even changed their airline!

The crew hurried to explain the situation to the frightened passengers. Order was restored after a while, but not before the pilot and his crew had had a hearty laugh!

Another 40 years

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

"Wow," the woman said. "Good to know!"

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. Upon recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction, a facelift and a tummy tuck. She had someone come in and change her hair colour and even had her eyes and lips done.

After her final operation, she was released from the hospital. But as she was crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving before God, she demanded, " What's the idea? I thought you said I had another 40 years! Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

"Well," God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Adopt a terrorist - another brilliantly written letter :-)

A female Canadian libertarian wrote several letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Finally, irked by her constant criticism and do-gooder suggestions, the National Defence Headquarters decided that an answer should be proffered to her and sent her the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters

M. Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burkha over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defence

AmAzINg!!! UK's Queen is Indian!!

Triumph The Insult Dog at the Star Wars Convention

Want to check your eyesight? Take a look at this picture!

Jackass - this is real funny!

Patrick Hanifin found a unique way to ease his frustrations that was so successful, he actually wrote a piece on it! Read on for a laugh!

Jackass

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man Answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered once more, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'jackass' and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and heard his voice, "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

It didn't end here though.

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.

I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialler. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be, so I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt!"

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street, and I was set.

I hurried out, climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

Clever Anti-Theft Lunch Bag

I would eat this lunch in this bag for sure :-)

Rock & Roll Skeleton - speakers on, this is hilarious!

Every night I see you, I feel you, I.....ouch!!

Priceless words - A Beautiful story

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
“Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!”

Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”. Confused, the man asks, “So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, “LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!”

Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk - “PRICELESS “

Drink Australian, Think Australian

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. One evening, he visits the local bar, where he is served by an Australian barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening, they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him, she says no.

So he offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. She thinks for a bit, but as she's travelling around the world and is short of funds, she agrees. They go to his place and have a great time in bed.

The next night the guy turns up again. Once again he orders a Foster's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for five nights.

On the sixth night, the guy comes in again and orders a Foster's, but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him a little more attention, she might be able to shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

"So, I never asked," she smiles, "Where are you from in Australia?"

"Melbourne", he tells her.

"Really? So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing!" she says excitedly, "So am I! What street?"

"Cameo Street," he replies.

"This is unbelievable!" she says, her voice quavering. "What number?"

"Number 20," he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know," he says, "Your dad gave me 1,000 bucks to give to you."

Snippets from the US political board

• All the world leaders are in New York City attending the U.N. General Assembly. Some are doing some shopping. The Japanese premier, for example, got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

• At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group called "Blacks Against Obama." Actually it was a pretty small group - just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

• Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley will no longer be investment banks and are now just regular commercial banks. But to keep their executive bonuses high, customers will be charged $17,000 every time they use the ATM.

• Vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations and met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia, and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska.

• Yesterday, President Bush gave a speech on the economic crisis. The title of Bush's speech: "Two More Months and It Ain't My Problem."

• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s he smoked marijuana. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned that you could understand every word he was saying.

• Iranian President Ahmadinejad also spoke at the U.N. earlier today. This is a guy who hates Jews and gays. Boy is he in the wrong town.

• The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He's not stalling - it's just going to take a long time to print them out.

• The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?"

• The presidential election is getting closer. It's now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name versus Sarah Palin and what's his name.

• Apparently, one of Sarah Palin's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion.
• The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, "How can we make our candidate more white?"

• Some sad news yesterday in Malibu. Actor Ryan O'Neal and his son were arrested after authorities found methamphetamines in their home. The good news, since it's Malibu, there's a rehab centre right across the street.

• Paris Hilton is our guest on the show tonight......unless she needs to rush to Washington to fix the economy - David Letterman

• President Bush, Barack Obama and John McCain are having an emergency meeting at the White House today to discuss the financial crisis. Together, the three men hope to find a way to blame this all on Ralph Nader.

• Sarah Palin was at the U.N. to meet some world leaders. The president of Pakistan actually told Palin that she was gorgeous. But you know, he said the same thing to Joe Biden, so I don't know what the deal is.

• Michelle Obama says she keeps her kids entertained on the campaign trail by throwing slumber parties. Which, coincidentally, is how Bill Clinton kept himself entertained during his campaign.

• Sarah Palin is training hard in Arizona for the vice presidential debate. She says it has really helped her on foreign policy because from Arizona she can see Mexico.