Fw: Ole and Sven

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ole replied. Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter. But it wasn't a regular Bic lighter – this one was 10 inches long.

'Yiminy cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my genie.'

'You haff a genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' said Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opened his tackle box and sure enough, out popped the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven said, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' said the Genie.

So Sven asked the genie for a million bucks.

The genie disappeared back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkened and was filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yelled at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answered, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

The Ballerina in the Bar

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'


Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'


The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

Fw: The Blind Man and the Bus

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their eight children.

 

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

 

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

 

After a while, the husband, annoyed by the constant clicking of the blind man's stick, says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!

 

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking!"

Reverend John Fluff

Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

 

One day, he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

 

The Reverend wasn't happy.

 

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

 

'Miss Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

 

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

 

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

 

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

 

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

 

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

 

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

 

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But - but you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff!'

 

The landlord nodded and said, 'Well…if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

Royalty On Board

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch.'

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