The Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

Rather dejected at his poor performance, he asked the monsignor after mass, how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'Well, when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

The next Sunday, the young priest decided to take the monsignor's advice.

Looking out at the large congregation which he was about to address, his knees buckled a bit. He reached out and took a rather large swig of his drink and began.

The congregation was all ears as he proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found a note from the monsignor on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'Daddy, Junior and the spook'.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the cCherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub-thanks-for-the-grub-Yeah-God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Pun this One

"It was once said that a black man would be president when pigs flew....well behold 100 days into his presidency & the Swine Flu!!!"

Hasty Words

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of booze was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a while, the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest looked at him disdainfully but nevertheless replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.

A few minutes passed. The priest, thinking over what he had said, felt a little remorseful at his own words. He turned to the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

FIVE SURGEONS

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best Patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable!

The importance of thorough planning

True story - IIT Bombay, Batch 1992

Four college students had been fooling around till the wee hours and were totally unprepared for a test which was scheduled for the next day.

As they made their way to the campus, they thought of a plan. They smeared themselves with grease and dirt and put on tired expressions. They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding the previous night. On their way back, one of the tyres of their car had burst and they had had to push the car all the way back. They were exhausted and were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean acquiesced and said they could take a re-test after three days. Triumphant that they had got away with their little ploy, the boys thanked him and said that would be perfect.

On the third day they appeared, well-prepared and ready to take the test. The dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms while answering. The boys agreed.

When the question paper was placed before them though, they each stared at it aghast. The test consisted of two questions for a total of 100 marks.

Q.1. Your name _______ (2 MARKS)

Q.2. Which tyre burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front left

b) Front right

c) Rear left

d) Rear right

Results will be on a cumulative basis, after a comparison of all four papers.