Speech on Kashmir (must read)

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began:

"Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good

opportunity to have a bath.'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. Some Pakistani's had stolen them."

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted,

"What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then."

The Indian representative smiled and said,

"And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

And they say Kashmir belongs to them…………………………..

Jai Hind

Sassy application

The following application was sent in by a 75 year old man to Walmart. They hired him for his sheer audacity and sense of humour.

NAME:

Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:

Company President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:

$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIALAWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE:

7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutely.

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Lunchtime with a Gujarati, a Madrasi and a Sardaar

A Gujarati, a Madrasi and a Sardaar were part of a construction team on the 20th floor of a building.



They were having lunch. The Gujju opened his lunchbox stared in disgust. 'Dhokla! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'



The Madrasi opened his lunchbox and exclaimed, 'Idli Sambhar again! If I

get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too.'



The Sardaar opened his lunchbox and said, 'Parontha again! If I get a parontha

one more time, I'm jumping too.'



The next day, the Gujju opened his lunchbox, saw dhokla once again and jumped to his death.



The Madrasi opened his lunchbox, saw idli sambhar, and jumped too.



The Sardaar opened his lunchbox, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as

well.



At the funeral, the Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!'



The Madrasi's wife also wept. 'I could have given him dosa!' she said. 'I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much.'



Everyone turned and stared at the Sardaar's wife.



'What?' she said, 'Don't look at me! He always made his own lunch.'

The Corporate Language !!

'We will do it'
means
' You will do it'


'You have done a great job'
means
'More work to be given to you'


'We are working on it'
means
'We have not yet started working on the same'


'Tomorrow first thing in the morning'
means
'Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !'.


'After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views'
means
'I have already decided, I will tell you what to do'


'There was a slight miscommunication'
means
'We had actually lied'


'Lets call a meeting and discuss'
means
'I have no time now, will talk later'


'We can always do it'
means
'We actually cannot do the same on time'


'We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline'
means
'The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.'


'We had slight differences of opinion'
means
'We had actually fought'


'Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you'
means
'Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me'


'You should have told me earlier'
means
'Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!'


'We need to find out the real reason'
means
'Well I will tell you where your fault is'


'Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected'
means
'Well you know...'


'We are a team'
means
'I am not the only one to be blamed'


'That's actually a good question'
means
'I do not know anything about it'


'All the Best'
means
' You are in trouble'

Logic

Zail singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand everything except for the LOGIC part.
One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.

Rajiv: Zailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.

Zailsingh was very glad that he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.

Zail: How is your MBA preparation?
Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail: Oh, logic is easy.
Buta: Please, give me an example.
Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta: NO, I don't.

Zail: Saala HOMO!!!

Killing English

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette...? "

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Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

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once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america .."

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"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

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dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

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teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

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"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

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My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

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"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

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"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

****************************** *************

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us....

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

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"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

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Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class...

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Me at work!!!

The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.

I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would have dug up the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love, Dad


Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the guns!"

At 4am the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: 'Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here.'