Hasty Words

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of booze was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a while, the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest looked at him disdainfully but nevertheless replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.

A few minutes passed. The priest, thinking over what he had said, felt a little remorseful at his own words. He turned to the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

FIVE SURGEONS

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best Patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable!

The importance of thorough planning

True story - IIT Bombay, Batch 1992

Four college students had been fooling around till the wee hours and were totally unprepared for a test which was scheduled for the next day.

As they made their way to the campus, they thought of a plan. They smeared themselves with grease and dirt and put on tired expressions. They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding the previous night. On their way back, one of the tyres of their car had burst and they had had to push the car all the way back. They were exhausted and were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean acquiesced and said they could take a re-test after three days. Triumphant that they had got away with their little ploy, the boys thanked him and said that would be perfect.

On the third day they appeared, well-prepared and ready to take the test. The dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms while answering. The boys agreed.

When the question paper was placed before them though, they each stared at it aghast. The test consisted of two questions for a total of 100 marks.

Q.1. Your name _______ (2 MARKS)

Q.2. Which tyre burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front left

b) Front right

c) Rear left

d) Rear right

Results will be on a cumulative basis, after a comparison of all four papers.

A Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the US post office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely yours,
Edna

Gabbar ki ginti

Gabbar Kitne admi the?

Sambha Sarkar, do.

Gabbar Mujhe ginti nahin aati, do kitne hote hain?

Samba Sarkar do ek ke baad aata hai.

Gabbar Aur do ke pehle?

Samba Do ke pehle ek aata hai.

Gabbar To beech mein kaun aata hai?

Samba Beech mein koi nahi aata.

Gabbar To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?

Samba Sarkar, ek ke baad hi do aa sakta hai, kyun ki do ek se bada hai.

Gabbar Do ek se kitna bada hai?

Samba Do ek se ek bada hai.

Gabbar Agar do ek se ek bada hai to ek ek se kitna bada hai?

Samba Sarkar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do.

Here are some nice one-liners.. .

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in thewrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13.. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them..
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers.
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success..... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

Baniya Jokes!!!

Sardaron par bahut jokes suney hai, here are some Baniya Jokes….

Baniya: Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Baniya:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de


Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir brabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ??? :D:D:D

Baniya 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!


Baniya ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor raha hay:)

Baniya called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ......... .
Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .

Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.


Baniya ko bhoot charh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga


Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

A better start to the day!

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE:

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it " Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

MCP funnies!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Her job is to bitch.
Mine is to give her a reason!

Unused car!

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

They looked like they were dressed in their Sunday best. They smiled sweetly as the patrolman approached them.

The patrolman asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no!' said one little old lady, patting her hair. 'We bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away?'

'We can't drive,' said the other little old lady, her cheeks flushing pink.

Then why did you buy it?'

The two little old ladies looked at each other in excitement.

'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed. We've been sitting here all evening."

WOMEN !!

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic ;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

to surround himself with intelligent people

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr.President..
Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington , decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over thequestion for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our
Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh !"

:)) :))

Talking Irish Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Irish lad led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.

'Issss nod a gong… Issss a talkin' Irish clock' he slurred drunkenly.

'A talking Irish clock…naw…seriously?'

'Yup…hmmm (hic!).'

'How does it work then?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch,' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid w#%ker! It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!'

Kashmir

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United
Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about?
The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.
'And they say Kashmir belongs to them...............................................

The Ski Trip

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

The lady hesitated. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.....

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."