To be members...

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Crash Land

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Skeleton

THE ULTIMATE 1..

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child. =)) =)) =))

Women and Men

"It's really sad for a Woman to reach an age where Men consider her Charmless.

But it's worse for a Man to reach an age where Women consider him as Harmless."

The boss

A junior in office dialed his boss's extension by mistake & said: Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 min.
Boss Shouted: Do u knw whom u r talking 2?
Jr: No!
Boss: I'm D BOSS. >:O
Jr(in same tone) do u knw whom u r talking 2?
Boss: No!
J: THANK GOD (& disconected)

Moral : B cool..there's always way out

Quote of the day

Quote of the day :

"Learn to be happy with small things in life, because the big ones, are usually artificial."-

Pamela Anderson

To Keep A Rabbi :-D

To Keep A Rabbi 

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. 

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
 
Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!" 

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
 
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!" 

More sighs and loud applause.
 
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

 

There is total silence. 

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
 
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side as his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*ck the Rabbi!"

TATA Nano

A man went to a RED LIGHT AREA.
The Pimp had named the sex
workers using car brands...
Pimp: "Kya loge saab?
BMW-8000/-
Mercedes-5000/-
Innova-2000/-
Safari-1000/-
Swift-500/-
Tata Nano-100/-
Man ordered NANO and was
shocked to see a GAY... "Oye! Ye kya
hai?"
Pimp : "Saab ye NANO hai, Iska
engine piche hai...!

Men & Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

E-bay

Warning about e-bay

Be careful what you buy on eBay. If you buy stuff online, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent Rs.4,500 plus Tax on a penis enlarger. The bastards sent him a  magnifying glass!!!

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight.

Lucky John

Beauty of ENGLISH....
Ever Noticed how Deleting 1 word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice story?
Here's an Example
"Oh John plz don't touch me at all.!"
"Oh John plz don't touch me at.!"
"Oh John plz don't touch me.!"
"Oh John plz don't touch.!"
"Oh John plz don't..!"
"Oh John plz.!"
"Oh John.!"
"Ohhhh.!"...;) (y)

Man and wife

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband.

Golf balls

The cow and the golf ball

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife: 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that"

Time to listen to women

Apple has today announced the development of a chip that can be implanted into a womans breast and play music. The i-Tit will cost $99.95 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their breasts and never listen to them......!;)

Santa banta

.... The killer one

Santa: Dekh teri biwi ko saap kaat raha hai!

Banta: Abey wo kaat nahi raha...uska 'Zeher' khatam ho gaya hai to wo RECHARGE Karwane aaya hai !

Car sales

1 car ki nilami ho rhi thi. Boli lagi ......
15 lakh
20 lakh
40 lakh
Husband: Is khataare  me aisa kya hai?
Seller: Iske 23 accident hue hai, har bar sirf biwi mari hai.
Husband:1crore........!!!! 

Guju jokes

GUJRATI SMS

Wife-:
Som warey Shopping

Mangal warey Parlor

Budh warey Farva

Guru warey Jamva

Shukar warey Movie jova

Anney
Shani warey Picnic


Husband-:
Ravi warey Mandir

Wife-:
Kem...???

Husband-:
Bheekh Mangva...!!!

Bhikari

Bhikari: Saahab 10 rupaye do, chai peeni hai.
Saahab: lekin, chai toh 5 rupaye ki milti h.
Bhikari: Saahab, girlfriend bhi piyegi
Saahab: wah! Bhikari ne girlfriend bana liya
Bhikari: Nahi saahab, girlfriend ne bhikari bana diya 🐊

Breast sugery

Marriage

Maths questn:

'x' married 'z' twice his age,
left her &
now married 'y' 1/2 his age.

Wat's the age of 'x'?

Student wrote: I don't know the answer, but ' x ' is surely
SAIF ALI KHAN !! ;) =))

Gandhi ke ek dost

Gandhi ke ek dost par khoon ka zutha ilzaam laga.
Gandhiji ne muqadma lada aur oose bacha liya.
Woh bahut shukrguzaar hue aur ek sawal kiya:
"Kal jab aap nai honge toh begunah ko kaun bachayega"?
Gandhiji ne bahut khubsurat jawab dia:
"NOTE PE LAGI MERI PHOTO"..!

Susie's Praise :-)

Susie's Praise

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 

He said, "I'm Phil." 

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just wanted to tell my wife - the word is 'sternum'."

Sperm test

A 70 year old man went for a Sperm Test. The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.

The next day, the man came with the empty bottle & said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand & right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way..but could not open the damn Bottle....!!
I don't send dirty jokes:p

Rani Laxmi Bai

.͡▹​ ℜợђ!ƞ! : Every woman is Rani Lakshmibai _ Rani before marriage, Lakshmi after marriage & Bai after having kids :D

Dilemma

One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma, actually?"
 
 
He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying naked in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

Its a boy

"ITS A BOY" he shouted
"A BOY,
I DON'T BELIEVE IT,
ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down his face...
he swore he'd never pick up another hooker in Thailand..