Five Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .

Leaping up, the man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

She did as she was told, and putting on his shoes, he drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied. I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said, 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented. 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, looking at the part. 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry!' she said to her lover, 'Stand in the corner!'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

Oh, it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 am, the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Wow! Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

Bad Day for Fishing

I had planned to go fishing Saturday morning so I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, and the boat began to rock as I reversed, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

‘I know,’ my wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

Bedtime Quiz

My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

"Is that your final answer?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, not even bothering to look at me.

"Alright," I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Old girlfriend

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion.

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife, noticing, asked me with narrowed eyes, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Taxi Driver!!!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The bewildered passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

"Sorry” the driver sighed. “It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last twenty-five years.”