Monday, April 06, 2009

The Ski Trip

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
The lady hesitated. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.....
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Ahmadinejad and Obama's dreams

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Of Come-ons and Turn-downs

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: Sure, you’ll have the pleasure, but what’s in it for me?

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I don’t know…I must have been given your share.

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry, I'm planning to have a headache this weekend.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay….Get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Could I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you have one of your own?

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

SHE: Nah, just plain bad luck.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

SHE: Yes. That’s why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down.

HE: Shall we go and see a movie?

SHE: I've seen them all.

HE: You’ve seen ALL the movies?

SHE: Yep. I’m a big movie buff.

Chuck's Economic Solution

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

However, the next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but Ah’s got some bad news fer yeh. Yer donkey died."

"Oh…" Chuck said. "Well then, just give me my money back."

"Ah’s can't do that," the farmer said. "Ah’s went and spent it already."

"Okay then," Chuck replied, "Just bring me the dead donkey."

"What yeh gonna do with him?" the farmer asked suspiciously.

"I'm going to raffle him off," Chuck said.

The farmer gaped at him. "Yeh can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can," Chuck said. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that there dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer was astonished. "Didn't nobody complain?" he asked.

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Wall Street.