| A doctor in Dublin wants to get off work and go fishing, so he approaches his assistant to help him out.
"Roger Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and take care of all me patients".
"Yes sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day. He asks his assistant: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy m'lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir," says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this - and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in, so she does! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything, including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I've not seen any man!'
"Thunderin' Lord Jesus! Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes, sir!" |
A new Army Captain is assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he notices a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant says, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the camel."
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain begins to have his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
The Captain places a ladder against the camel's, climbs up it, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with Molly.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'That was amazing! Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir," the Sergeant replies 'They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'
One Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Susie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have thanks to offer. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
A collective muffled gasp was heard from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "praise the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
"I'm Tom Smith," he said.
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."
A keen immigrant Indian lad applied for a salesman's job at a premier downtown department store in New York that sold just about anything in the world.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes sir, I was a salesman in India," replied the lad.
Though not impressed by his Indian precedents, the boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. Finally 6:00pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"Just the one, sir," said the young salesman.
"Only one sale?" blurted out the boss. "No, no! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale worth?"
"$236,000" said the young man.
"What!" How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd need a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer. I then asked him where he'd be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!!"
"No," answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."
