Demolition Call

Scientific Explanation of Hell

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared

it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now

have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some

variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once

a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are

leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the

different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we

can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as

they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase

exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell

because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and

pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand

proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman

year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and

take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then

number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and

has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since

Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more

souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby

proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Dear God

Resermay

Deer Sir,

I wont to apply for the secritary job wat I saw in the paper. I can type real quik wit one finga and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a job as a secritary but it musent be to complicated.I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can win people over wit my persenallety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you i advanse for yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplic an t so farr.


Sinserly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Cos my resermay's so short, i am inclosen a picher of me.

Employer's response

Dear Peggy May,

It's okay honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday!

Regards,

The Manager

BMW - LadyBird

guys, please don't try this anywhere - it doesn't work

click to view animation

Bush's tragedy

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word 'TRAGEDY'. So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up into a million pieces by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy. "

"Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

fishing trip

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office so I'll just swing by the house to pick my things up…oh, and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

His wife thought this last bit sounded a bit fishy but being the good wife she was, did exactly as he asked. Her husband came by that afternoon and picked up his things, kissed her goodbye and left.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. His wife welcomed him home and asked if he had caught many fish?

He said, "Oh yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill and a few swordfish. It's quite amazing how rich the rivers are up there. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

smart sales technique

After you get your date back to your place, and you haven’t closed the deal to have her spend the night, you ask this question: “Would you like your scrambled eggs with bacon?”

The idea is to get your date thinking about a decision that would come AFTER the decision to stay the night. It’s a standard sales technique, also known as getting your buyer to think past the sale. You want the prospect to imagine where he would ride that motorcycle, not whether he should buy it in the first place.

Keep Walking - Johnnie Walker

A helping hand

click to view animation

Tennis balls

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

Toast of the night

Scotsman John was spending his usual night in the pub with his mates. He hoisted his beer up in the air and said, "Here's to spendin' the rest o' me life, between the legs o' me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the nigh'!"

Mary raised her eyebrows. "Aye, did ye now! And wha' was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spendin' the rest o' me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, aye, tha' is very nice indee', John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other nigh' at the pub wi' a toast abou' you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bi' surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I ha' to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."

Sarah Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The nuns look excitedly at each other. "Oh my!" the first nun says, "I want to go back as Sophia Loren!" Poof! She disappears.

The second nun steps forward. "I want to be Madonna!" she says and - poof! - she's gone too.

It's the turn of the third nun. She can hardly contain herself. "I want to be Sarah Pipalini!" she beams.

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Er...who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini!" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit pocket and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads
the paper and rolls his eyes. He hands it back to her and sighs. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."