The kiss of revenge

A couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.  So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

 

As their decision was personal and of a delicate nature, the husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. 

 
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! Friends and relatives went on and on about his youthful beauty.

 
The man was overcome with emotion at his wife's sacrifice. Alone with her one evening, he said, 'Sweetheart, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

 

'Darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.' 

Golf mishap

Two women were playing golf. 

 

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

 

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.  I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. 

 

But he was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands between his legs. At her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. 

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 

 

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

The Neighbour

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.'

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum theatre and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch... ''.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

''Shit!!'' exclaimed the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Surgeons Conference - I Agree With The 5th One...

Five surgeons are
discussing who has the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says,
'I like to see accountants on my operating table because
when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.'


The second responds,
'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says,
'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in
alphabetical order.'


The fourth surgeon chimes
in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys
always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it
would

But the fifth surgeon shut
them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there
are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and
they are
interchangeable'

Sindhi Divorce

Mother: 'You're divorcing Khishoo? You're divorcing Khishoo??? Are you
going out of your mind?!!'

Daughter: 'But mama, all he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the
size of an one Rupee coin when it used to be the size of a tiny 25p coin!!'Mother: 'Chario'(translation - mad), the mother says, 'you are married to a sutto (translation; good)
multi-millionaire businessman from Hang Kang, you live in an 25,000 square ft, 14 bedroom, 17 bathroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider, you get $10,000 a week spending money, you take 6 vacations
a year, and you want to throw all that away for just 75 paise?'

Santa's Pool

Santa constructs two Swimming Pools next to each other. He fills one with water and the other one was empty. When questioned he replies : One - for those who know swimming and 2nd One - for those who do not.