Mensa's new words - superb!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative!

Intaxication

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation

Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Bozone (n.)

The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

Cashtration (n.)

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

Giraffiti

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

Inoculatte

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late

Hipatitis

Terminal coolness

Osteopornosis

A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer

Decafalon (n.)

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

Glibido

All talk and no action

Dopeler Effect

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.)

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web

Beelzebug (n.)

Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out

Caterpallor (n.)

The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating

And the one you'll probably be using the most:

Ignoranus

A person who's both stupid and an asshole

More English language faux pas - hilarious!

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She had registered to stay in a village in South India at a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster, and was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, as you know, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for ‘Water Closet’. So she wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring about the WC facilities.

The school master, not fluent in English idioms, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady probably wanted to know if there was a ‘Wayside Chapel’ near the house, a place where special occasions like local weddings, christenings and prayer services are usually held, especially if the chapel has a pretty garden. Unfortunately, the thought of a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.



As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.



It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.



We can take photos as well. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.



I would recommend Your Ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.



We hope to welcome you soon to enjoy our facilities,



Thanking you,



With many respects,

T. R. Murugesh

Proof - reading

Proof-reading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Check out these newspaper headlines – ha ha!





Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter


Came back to finish the job, eh?






Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says



No, really? You think?







Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers



That’s right! Mow them all down!







Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over



Some guys really go out of their way, huh?







Miners Refuse To Work After Death



Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!







Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant



Yep…see if that works any better than a fair trial







War Dims Hope For Peace



I can see where it might have that effect!







If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile



Ya think?!







Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures



Really? Who would have thought!







Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide



Yeah, they may be on to something!







Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges



You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!







Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge



He probably IS the battery charge!







New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group



Weren't the first one fat enough?!







Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft



Told ya not to eat those beans!







Kids Make Nutritious Snacks



Do they taste like chicken?







Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half



Chainsaw Massacre all over again!







Hospitals Sued By 7 Foot Doctors



Boy, are they tall!







And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



What a discovery!

The Brave Man

At a particular moment in time, men and women die from various places throughout the world die and go to heaven to be judged.

God welcomes this new batch and decides to try his new experimental judgement trick on them.

He says, "I want all you humans to form two queues. One line is for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I don't want any of you women talking to the men. I'm going to give you five minutes. I want all the women to go away right now. When I come back, I want to talk to the men alone."

When the women were gone, the Almighty returns to inspect the two lines. To his amazement, he sees that the line for the men who were dominated by their women is a hundred miles long. But the line of men who dominated their women consists of only one solitary man.

God thunders, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. You could all learn something from him!"

He beckons to the lone man. "My brave son, come and tell all these henpecked cuckolds how you managed to be the only one in this line."

The man looks round and swallows nervously. "I don't know sir, my wife told me to stand here."

At a particular moment in time, men and women die from various places throughout the world die and go to heaven to be judged.

God welcomes this new batch and decides to try his new experimental judgement trick on them.

He says, "I want all you humans to form two queues. One line is for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I don't want any of you women talking to the men. I'm going to give you five minutes. I want all the women to go away right now. When I come back, I want to talk to the men alone."

When the women were gone, the Almighty returns to inspect the two lines. To his amazement, he sees that the line for the men who were dominated by their women is a hundred miles long. But the line of men who dominated their women consists of only one solitary man.

God thunders, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. You could all learn something from him!"

He beckons to the lone man. "My brave son, come and tell all these henpecked cuckolds how you managed to be the only one in this line."

The man looks round and swallows nervously. "I don't know sir, my wife told me to stand here."