The Saddest Siamese Twins in the World

What men want?

Keeping the Rabbi

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*ck the Rabbi!"

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

 

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

 

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

 

"There is more to tell, Father...she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

 

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

 

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

 

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

 

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

The Sympathetic Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier around here?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way...'

After the police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls...I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!'

What Do You Do After You Retire?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. 

We were only in there for about five minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. 

I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home. 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Jackass - this is real funny!

Patrick Hanifin found a unique way to ease his frustrations that was so successful, he actually wrote a piece on it! Read on for a laugh!

 

 

Jackass

 

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man Answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

 

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

 

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

 

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered once more, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'jackass' and put it in my desk drawer.

 

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

 

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and heard his voice, "Hello?"

 

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

 

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

 

It didn't end here though.

 

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

 

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

 

The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world! I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

 

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.

 

I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

 

I asked, "What's your name?"

 

"My name is Don Hansen."

 

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

"I'm home in the evenings."

 

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

 

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialler. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be, so I thought about it and came up with a solution.

 

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

 

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

 

I said, "Yeah."

 

He said, "Stop calling me!"

 

I said, "No!"

 

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

 

I said, "Don Hansen."

 

He said, "If I ever get my hands on you..."

 

"Oh, is that a threat? Okay - I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front. Come on over if you have the balls!"

 

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

 

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!" And I hung up.

 

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

 

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

 

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

 

"You'll what?"

 

"I'll kick your butt!"

 

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

 

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street, and I was set.

 

I hurried out, climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

 

Glorious!

 

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

So, this bird walks into a store...

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop. The bird waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos. Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

---

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !!!

Temptation

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than merely a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in complete shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

Stunned, I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened it and headed straight towards my car.

 

Good lord! My entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law embraced me and said, 'We're so happy that you passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!

 

Moral of the story

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

Poor little rich kid

An Arab student sends an email to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college in my pure gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your loving son,

Nasser

   

  

The next day, Nasser receives a reply to his email from his dad

Dear son,

I have just had twenty million US dollars transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Your loving

Dad

Four Cats -------------!!...it is a nice one really... worth reading...anil

 

....dedicated to all them hard working, under appreciated/paid & much maligned government workers everywhere! A Little humor to brighten your day. It did mine. The Four Cats� Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.� The first man was an Engineer,� The second man was an Accountant,� The third man was a Chemist, and� The fourth man was a Government Employee.� To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'� T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.� Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.� But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,� 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'� Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.� Everyone agreed that was good.� But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'� Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.� Everyone agreed that was pretty good.� Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'� The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'� CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......� Ate the cookies........� Drank the milk.......� S**t on the paper.......� Screwed the other three cats.......� Claimed he injured his back while doing so........� Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......� Put in for Workers Compensation................and� Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............� AND THAT MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE� �WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Always the First lady

One night, President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's Secret Service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private.

They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

When she came back to the table, President Obama asked Michelle why the owner had been so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

"Oh," President Obama said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant."

To which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be President."