Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

One Devoted News Reporter - Too funny

Every one gets screw#$% once in a while :-D

SMS to sardaji

Someone sent a sms to Sardarji : "Sender is cool, reader is fool." Sardar got angry & replied : "Sender is fool, reader is cool."

Not So Smart Politicians

America, like all other countries, has its (large) share of the ignorant. Surprisingly, these are often from the so-called 'educated' strata of society. The political examples especially stand out. Ron Evans, a Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the USA is in trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ' Her response was - Click.

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went really fast, and she bought that.

A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a Destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?' (OMG again!)

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl., on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, Whatever, smarty!'

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino, NY, anywhere..' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply: Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

State of the Economy

Chacha kaise ho???

Chacha: ab kya batau....
Bada beta share broker hai...
2nd beta Jet Airways me hai
3rd one is in banking me aur
4th one is in Software
sabse chhota PANWALA hai...

…… Bus Wohi ghar chala raha hai....

Rajni film

rajni film climax,last ball,10 runs to win.rajni wins.how? he hits the ball, ball breaks into 2, one goes for 4 one for 6!!

One Wish

A Sindhi having no child, no money, no home & a blind mother, prays very sincerely to God.
God happy with his prayers, grants him a wish; only one wish!

Sindhi: I wish for my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new mansion!

God: Damn!!! I still have a lot to learn from these Sindhis!!!!!

Life’s funny moments – a true story

A plane flying from Seattle to San Francisco was unexpectedly diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The flight attendant had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog had lain quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we'll be in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady smiled and said, "No thanks Sam, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs...could you take him out for a while?"

A few minutes later, the passengers at the gate area gaped as the pilot, wearing sunglasses and with his coat over his arm, walked off the plane led by a seeing-eye dog on a leash!

Shocked and terrified that they had been on a plane flown by a blind pilot, the group scrambled to change planes. Some even changed their airline!

The crew hurried to explain the situation to the frightened passengers. Order was restored after a while, but not before the pilot and his crew had had a hearty laugh!

Another 40 years

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

"Wow," the woman said. "Good to know!"

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. Upon recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction, a facelift and a tummy tuck. She had someone come in and change her hair colour and even had her eyes and lips done.

After her final operation, she was released from the hospital. But as she was crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving before God, she demanded, " What's the idea? I thought you said I had another 40 years! Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

"Well," God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Adopt a terrorist - another brilliantly written letter :-)

A female Canadian libertarian wrote several letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Finally, irked by her constant criticism and do-gooder suggestions, the National Defence Headquarters decided that an answer should be proffered to her and sent her the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters

M. Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burkha over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defence

AmAzINg!!! UK's Queen is Indian!!

Triumph The Insult Dog at the Star Wars Convention

Want to check your eyesight? Take a look at this picture!

Jackass - this is real funny!

Patrick Hanifin found a unique way to ease his frustrations that was so successful, he actually wrote a piece on it! Read on for a laugh!

Jackass

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man Answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered once more, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'jackass' and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and heard his voice, "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

It didn't end here though.

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.

I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialler. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be, so I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt!"

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street, and I was set.

I hurried out, climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

Clever Anti-Theft Lunch Bag

I would eat this lunch in this bag for sure :-)

Rock & Roll Skeleton - speakers on, this is hilarious!

Every night I see you, I feel you, I.....ouch!!

Priceless words - A Beautiful story

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
“Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!”

Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”. Confused, the man asks, “So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, “LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!”

Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk - “PRICELESS “

Drink Australian, Think Australian

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. One evening, he visits the local bar, where he is served by an Australian barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening, they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him, she says no.

So he offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. She thinks for a bit, but as she's travelling around the world and is short of funds, she agrees. They go to his place and have a great time in bed.

The next night the guy turns up again. Once again he orders a Foster's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for five nights.

On the sixth night, the guy comes in again and orders a Foster's, but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him a little more attention, she might be able to shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

"So, I never asked," she smiles, "Where are you from in Australia?"

"Melbourne", he tells her.

"Really? So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing!" she says excitedly, "So am I! What street?"

"Cameo Street," he replies.

"This is unbelievable!" she says, her voice quavering. "What number?"

"Number 20," he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know," he says, "Your dad gave me 1,000 bucks to give to you."

Snippets from the US political board

• All the world leaders are in New York City attending the U.N. General Assembly. Some are doing some shopping. The Japanese premier, for example, got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

• At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group called "Blacks Against Obama." Actually it was a pretty small group - just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

• Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley will no longer be investment banks and are now just regular commercial banks. But to keep their executive bonuses high, customers will be charged $17,000 every time they use the ATM.

• Vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations and met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia, and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska.

• Yesterday, President Bush gave a speech on the economic crisis. The title of Bush's speech: "Two More Months and It Ain't My Problem."

• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s he smoked marijuana. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned that you could understand every word he was saying.

• Iranian President Ahmadinejad also spoke at the U.N. earlier today. This is a guy who hates Jews and gays. Boy is he in the wrong town.

• The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He's not stalling - it's just going to take a long time to print them out.

• The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?"

• The presidential election is getting closer. It's now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name versus Sarah Palin and what's his name.

• Apparently, one of Sarah Palin's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion.
• The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, "How can we make our candidate more white?"

• Some sad news yesterday in Malibu. Actor Ryan O'Neal and his son were arrested after authorities found methamphetamines in their home. The good news, since it's Malibu, there's a rehab centre right across the street.

• Paris Hilton is our guest on the show tonight......unless she needs to rush to Washington to fix the economy - David Letterman

• President Bush, Barack Obama and John McCain are having an emergency meeting at the White House today to discuss the financial crisis. Together, the three men hope to find a way to blame this all on Ralph Nader.

• Sarah Palin was at the U.N. to meet some world leaders. The president of Pakistan actually told Palin that she was gorgeous. But you know, he said the same thing to Joe Biden, so I don't know what the deal is.

• Michelle Obama says she keeps her kids entertained on the campaign trail by throwing slumber parties. Which, coincidentally, is how Bill Clinton kept himself entertained during his campaign.

• Sarah Palin is training hard in Arizona for the vice presidential debate. She says it has really helped her on foreign policy because from Arizona she can see Mexico.

Speech on Kashmir (must read)

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began:

"Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good

opportunity to have a bath.'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. Some Pakistani's had stolen them."

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted,

"What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then."

The Indian representative smiled and said,

"And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

And they say Kashmir belongs to them…………………………..

Jai Hind

Sassy application

The following application was sent in by a 75 year old man to Walmart. They hired him for his sheer audacity and sense of humour.

NAME:

Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:

Company President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:

$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIALAWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE:

7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutely.

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Lunchtime with a Gujarati, a Madrasi and a Sardaar

A Gujarati, a Madrasi and a Sardaar were part of a construction team on the 20th floor of a building.



They were having lunch. The Gujju opened his lunchbox stared in disgust. 'Dhokla! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'



The Madrasi opened his lunchbox and exclaimed, 'Idli Sambhar again! If I

get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too.'



The Sardaar opened his lunchbox and said, 'Parontha again! If I get a parontha

one more time, I'm jumping too.'



The next day, the Gujju opened his lunchbox, saw dhokla once again and jumped to his death.



The Madrasi opened his lunchbox, saw idli sambhar, and jumped too.



The Sardaar opened his lunchbox, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as

well.



At the funeral, the Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!'



The Madrasi's wife also wept. 'I could have given him dosa!' she said. 'I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much.'



Everyone turned and stared at the Sardaar's wife.



'What?' she said, 'Don't look at me! He always made his own lunch.'

The Corporate Language !!

'We will do it'
means
' You will do it'


'You have done a great job'
means
'More work to be given to you'


'We are working on it'
means
'We have not yet started working on the same'


'Tomorrow first thing in the morning'
means
'Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !'.


'After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views'
means
'I have already decided, I will tell you what to do'


'There was a slight miscommunication'
means
'We had actually lied'


'Lets call a meeting and discuss'
means
'I have no time now, will talk later'


'We can always do it'
means
'We actually cannot do the same on time'


'We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline'
means
'The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.'


'We had slight differences of opinion'
means
'We had actually fought'


'Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you'
means
'Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me'


'You should have told me earlier'
means
'Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!'


'We need to find out the real reason'
means
'Well I will tell you where your fault is'


'Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected'
means
'Well you know...'


'We are a team'
means
'I am not the only one to be blamed'


'That's actually a good question'
means
'I do not know anything about it'


'All the Best'
means
' You are in trouble'

Logic

Zail singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand everything except for the LOGIC part.
One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.

Rajiv: Zailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.
Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.

Zailsingh was very glad that he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.

Zail: How is your MBA preparation?
Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail: Oh, logic is easy.
Buta: Please, give me an example.
Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta: NO, I don't.

Zail: Saala HOMO!!!

Killing English

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette...? "

*********************************************************************

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

*******************************************

once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america .."

*******************************************

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

*******************************************

dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

*******************************************

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

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teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

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"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

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My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

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"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

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"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

****************************** *************

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us....

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

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"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

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Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class...

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Me at work!!!

The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.

I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would have dug up the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love, Dad


Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the guns!"

At 4am the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: 'Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here.'

The Secret

The Oprah Winfrey And The Mystery Of The Secret

From: 2 months ago by Dirmar

The Oprah Winfrey And The Mystery Of The Secret

On 02/08/07, millions tuned in to The Oprah Winfrey Show to learn the mystery of the "SECRET"

Night Classes

At a building site, two blue collar workers, Jack and Ray were chatting.


Jack: Ray, I've been attending night classes for five months now and I have an exam next week.


Ray: Oh…well, how's that going for you?

Jack: Great! I'm learning all this cool stuff! For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?


Ray: No.


Jack: He invented the telephone in 1876. If you took night classes you'd know that.

Ray: Oh…that's pretty cool I guess.


The next day, Jack hailed Ray at the site again.


Jack: Hey Ray, do you know who Alexander Dumas is?


Ray: No.


Jack: He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers'. You know, if you took night classes like me, you'd know that.

Ray frowned in annoyance but said nothing.


The next day, Jack came up to Ray again.


Jack: Hey Ray! Do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?


Ray: No!


Jack: He's the author of 'Confessions'. If you took those night classes, you'd know that.

Ray had had enough. He straightened up and turned to Jack.

Ray: Hey Jack! Do you know who Danny Barton is?


Jack: No.


Ray: He's the guy screwing your wife. If you didn't take those night classes, you'd know that.

Night Classes

At a building site, two blue collar workers, Jack and Ray were chatting.


Jack: Ray, I've been attending night classes for five months now and I have an exam next week.


Ray: Oh…well, how's that going for you?

Jack: Great! I'm learning all this cool stuff! For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?


Ray: No.


Jack: He invented the telephone in 1876. If you took night classes you'd know that.

Ray: Oh…that's pretty cool I guess.


The next day, Jack hailed Ray at the site again.


Jack: Hey Ray, do you know who Alexander Dumas is?


Ray: No.


Jack: He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers'. You know, if you took night classes like me, you'd know that.

Ray frowned in annoyance but said nothing.


The next day, Jack came up to Ray again.


Jack: Hey Ray! Do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?


Ray: No!


Jack: He's the author of 'Confessions'. If you took those night classes, you'd know that.

Ray had had enough. He straightened up and turned to Jack.

Ray: Hey Jack! Do you know who Danny Barton is?


Jack: No.


Ray: He's the guy screwing your wife. If you didn't take those night classes, you'd know that.

How to Keep a Woman Happy & MEN also....

How to Keep a Woman Happy

It's not difficult?
All you have to do is to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A gynecologist
15. A psychologist
16. A pest exterminator

17. A psychiatrist

18. A healer
19. A good listener
20. An organizer
21. A good father
22. Very clean
23. Sympathetic
24. Athletic
25. Warm
26. Attentive
27. Gallant
28. Intelligent
29. Funny
30. Creative
31. Tender
32. Strong
33. Understanding
34. Tolerant
35. Prudent
36. Ambitious
37. Capable
38. Courageous
39. Determined
40. True
41. Dependable
42. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

43. Give her compliments regularly
44. Love shopping
45. Be honest
46. Be very rich
47. Not stress her out
48. Not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

49. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
50. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
51. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
52. Never to forget:
53. Birthdays
54. Anniversaries
55. Arrangements she makes........................

and you can also add some of your own thoughts and ideas.........

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!! :

1. Leave him in peace

2. Feed him well.

3. Let him have the remote control.

too many to write so its OK FOR HIM






Men.... What a demanding creature!!!! !!!

Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!' There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
one more
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited

Interesting Story

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Farmer Fleming.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Beer Drinking Session

The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws
his glass in the air,
pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says 'In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that
we don't need to drink
from the same one twice.'



The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks
his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
glass to pieces.

He says 'In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the
glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'



OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer
and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
Pakistani and
Bangladeshi.
He says 'In India we have so many Pakistanis and
Bangladeshi that we don't
need to drink with the same ones twice.'



Balle balle !!!!

Queenslander's pride

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations are showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH!" are heard. One woman even faints with sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks; we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .... "Had him circumcised!"