Sudoku Ayone?

Ahmadinejad and Obama's dreams

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Of Come-ons and Turn-downs

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: Sure, you’ll have the pleasure, but what’s in it for me?

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I don’t know…I must have been given your share.

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry, I'm planning to have a headache this weekend.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay….Get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Could I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you have one of your own?

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

SHE: Nah, just plain bad luck.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

SHE: Yes. That’s why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down.

HE: Shall we go and see a movie?

SHE: I've seen them all.

HE: You’ve seen ALL the movies?

SHE: Yep. I’m a big movie buff.

Chuck's Economic Solution

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

However, the next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but Ah’s got some bad news fer yeh. Yer donkey died."

"Oh…" Chuck said. "Well then, just give me my money back."

"Ah’s can't do that," the farmer said. "Ah’s went and spent it already."

"Okay then," Chuck replied, "Just bring me the dead donkey."

"What yeh gonna do with him?" the farmer asked suspiciously.

"I'm going to raffle him off," Chuck said.

The farmer gaped at him. "Yeh can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can," Chuck said. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that there dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer was astonished. "Didn't nobody complain?" he asked.

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Wall Street.

Five Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .

Leaping up, the man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

She did as she was told, and putting on his shoes, he drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied. I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said, 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented. 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, looking at the part. 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry!' she said to her lover, 'Stand in the corner!'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

Oh, it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 am, the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Wow! Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

Bad Day for Fishing

I had planned to go fishing Saturday morning so I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, and the boat began to rock as I reversed, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

‘I know,’ my wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

Bedtime Quiz

My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

"Is that your final answer?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, not even bothering to look at me.

"Alright," I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Old girlfriend

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion.

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife, noticing, asked me with narrowed eyes, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Taxi Driver!!!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The bewildered passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

"Sorry” the driver sighed. “It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last twenty-five years.”

Mensa's new words - superb!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative!

Intaxication

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation

Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Bozone (n.)

The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

Cashtration (n.)

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

Giraffiti

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

Inoculatte

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late

Hipatitis

Terminal coolness

Osteopornosis

A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer

Decafalon (n.)

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

Glibido

All talk and no action

Dopeler Effect

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.)

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web

Beelzebug (n.)

Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out

Caterpallor (n.)

The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating

And the one you'll probably be using the most:

Ignoranus

A person who's both stupid and an asshole

More English language faux pas - hilarious!

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She had registered to stay in a village in South India at a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster, and was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, as you know, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for ‘Water Closet’. So she wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring about the WC facilities.

The school master, not fluent in English idioms, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady probably wanted to know if there was a ‘Wayside Chapel’ near the house, a place where special occasions like local weddings, christenings and prayer services are usually held, especially if the chapel has a pretty garden. Unfortunately, the thought of a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.



As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.



It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.



We can take photos as well. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.



I would recommend Your Ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.



We hope to welcome you soon to enjoy our facilities,



Thanking you,



With many respects,

T. R. Murugesh

Proof - reading

Proof-reading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Check out these newspaper headlines – ha ha!





Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter


Came back to finish the job, eh?






Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says



No, really? You think?







Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers



That’s right! Mow them all down!







Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over



Some guys really go out of their way, huh?







Miners Refuse To Work After Death



Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!







Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant



Yep…see if that works any better than a fair trial







War Dims Hope For Peace



I can see where it might have that effect!







If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile



Ya think?!







Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures



Really? Who would have thought!







Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide



Yeah, they may be on to something!







Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges



You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!







Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge



He probably IS the battery charge!







New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group



Weren't the first one fat enough?!







Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft



Told ya not to eat those beans!







Kids Make Nutritious Snacks



Do they taste like chicken?







Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half



Chainsaw Massacre all over again!







Hospitals Sued By 7 Foot Doctors



Boy, are they tall!







And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



What a discovery!