Christmas gifts

On the last day of school, just before the Christmas holidays were to begin, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers .

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted the box up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"

The boy replied, "It's a puppy."

Fun Stuff - Visualizer

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The email address is optional.

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Poster on the ceiling of the smoking room of a Mumbai IT firm

At the psychotherapist's

A couple went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Would you watch us have sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He charged them 300 dollars and the couple thanked him and left.

The next week, they were back.

"Would you watch us have sex again please?" the man asked.

The doctor agreed and the couple made love on the couch, thanked him for his positive opinion, paid him 300 bucks and left.

This happened several weeks in a row.

Finally the doctor couldn't contain his curiosity.

"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" he asked.

"Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. ," the man said. " She's married and we can't go to her house; I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Oberoi charges $2500 for a room, the Hyatt charges $2000, Le Meridian charges $1500. We do it here for $300, and I get that back from medical insurance."

Ma's opinion

A young indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he's going to get married.

He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over three women this evening. Try and guess which one I'm going to marry!"

"Alright," his mother says.

That evening, the young man brings three beautiful women over to his house and sits them down on the couch. He introduces them to his mother and the women chat for a while.

Meeting over, the girls leave and the young man hurries into the kitchen to his mother. "Okay Ma," he says, "Which one am I going to marry?"

"The one on the right," she replies.

The young man is thrilled. "Wow, that's amazing, Ma! how did you know?"
His mother replies, stone-facedly, "I didn't like her."

Lucky night

A guy walks into a pub for a drink and finds himself next to an older woman sitting at the counter.

He starts a conversation and she tells him she's sixty two. She looks pretty darn hot for sixty two. She's drinking quite a bit and, while they're chatting, she comes right out and asks him if he's ever had a 'sportsman's double' – a mother and daughter threesome.

He says no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place. She clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:

"Mom! You still awake?"

Sardar handyman

A Sardar, recently arrived in the US , wants to earn some money and decides to become a handyman. He wanders out to an upmarket
residential area nearby and knocks on the first door he sees.

The owner opens the door. The Sardarji is delighted to see that he is an Indian too, and asks him if he has any odd jobs that he could give him to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch", the owner says. "How much will you charge?"

The Sardar ponders and then says, "How about $50?"

"Fine", the owner says. "There's a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage."

The owner's wife, overhearing the conversation from inside the house, asks her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That's a whole day's job."

The man replies, "He should, he was standing on it! Do you think he's dumb?"

"No", the wife said, "I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those stupid Sardar e-mail jokes we keep receiving."

A short while later, the Sardar comes to the door and asks for the $50.

"You've finished already?" the husband asks, surprised.

"Yes," he replies, "and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to the Sardar.

"Thank you! And by the way," the Sardar adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW!

Happy Diwali!!!

www.wsdindia.org

The new stud rooster

A Florida chicken farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud

rooster from up in Canada for his chicken coop.

Once at the farm, the new rooster strutted over to the old rooster and
said,  "OK old hack, time for you to retire."  The old rooster
replied, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these chickens. Look
what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over
in the corner?"

But the young rooster said, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking
over."

The old rooster hesitated. "Tell you what, young stud. I'll race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughed raucously."Sure!" he cackled. "But you know
you don't stand a chance, old cock. So just to be fair, I'll give you
a head start."

They paced themselves and the old rooster took off running. About 15
seconds later the young rooster took off running after him.

By the time they had rounded the front porch of the farmhouse, the
young rooster had closed the gap. He was only about five feet behind
the old rooster and gaining fast. The  farmer, meanwhile, was sitting
in his usual spot on the front porch when he saw the roosters running
by, the old rooster squawking and running as hard as he could.

Quick as a flash, the farmer grabbed his shotgun and - BOOM! - blew
the young rooster to bits.

He shook his head sadly. "Darn!" he said, "What the hell is it with
these birds....that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

Fred and Mary's first night

Fred and Mary got married but couldn''t afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's mom and dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast. As he was going out the door to go to school, he asked his mom if Fred and Mary were up yet.

"No," she replied,

"Do you know what I think?" Johnny asked.

His mom replied, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny came home for lunch and asked his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replied, "No."

Johnny said, "Do you know what I think?"

"Never mind what you think!" His mom replied. "Eat your lunch and go back to school!"

After school, Johnny came home and asked again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom said, "No."

He asked, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom sighed. "Okay, okay, tell me what you think."

Johnny said, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Demolition Call

Scientific Explanation of Hell

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared

it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now

have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some

variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once

a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are

leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the

different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we

can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as

they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase

exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell

because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and

pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand

proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman

year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and

take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then

number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and

has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since

Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more

souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby

proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Dear God

Resermay

Deer Sir,

I wont to apply for the secritary job wat I saw in the paper. I can type real quik wit one finga and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a job as a secritary but it musent be to complicated.I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can win people over wit my persenallety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you i advanse for yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplic an t so farr.


Sinserly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Cos my resermay's so short, i am inclosen a picher of me.

Employer's response

Dear Peggy May,

It's okay honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday!

Regards,

The Manager

BMW - LadyBird

guys, please don't try this anywhere - it doesn't work

click to view animation

Bush's tragedy

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word 'TRAGEDY'. So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up into a million pieces by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy. "

"Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

fishing trip

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office so I'll just swing by the house to pick my things up…oh, and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

His wife thought this last bit sounded a bit fishy but being the good wife she was, did exactly as he asked. Her husband came by that afternoon and picked up his things, kissed her goodbye and left.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. His wife welcomed him home and asked if he had caught many fish?

He said, "Oh yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill and a few swordfish. It's quite amazing how rich the rivers are up there. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

smart sales technique

After you get your date back to your place, and you haven’t closed the deal to have her spend the night, you ask this question: “Would you like your scrambled eggs with bacon?”

The idea is to get your date thinking about a decision that would come AFTER the decision to stay the night. It’s a standard sales technique, also known as getting your buyer to think past the sale. You want the prospect to imagine where he would ride that motorcycle, not whether he should buy it in the first place.

Keep Walking - Johnnie Walker

A helping hand

click to view animation

Tennis balls

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

Toast of the night

Scotsman John was spending his usual night in the pub with his mates. He hoisted his beer up in the air and said, "Here's to spendin' the rest o' me life, between the legs o' me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the nigh'!"

Mary raised her eyebrows. "Aye, did ye now! And wha' was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spendin' the rest o' me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, aye, tha' is very nice indee', John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other nigh' at the pub wi' a toast abou' you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bi' surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I ha' to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."

Sarah Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The nuns look excitedly at each other. "Oh my!" the first nun says, "I want to go back as Sophia Loren!" Poof! She disappears.

The second nun steps forward. "I want to be Madonna!" she says and - poof! - she's gone too.

It's the turn of the third nun. She can hardly contain herself. "I want to be Sarah Pipalini!" she beams.

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Er...who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini!" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit pocket and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads
the paper and rolls his eyes. He hands it back to her and sighs. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

The ever-diligent Elmer Fudd

serena's reincarnation

Serena was one of those UGLY women - so ugly, it hurt. She had never had a boyfriend. Having tried everything else, she finally went to a psychic for help.

"Honey," said the psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But in your reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet!".

Serena left very happy and excited, and as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins..." She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But incredibly Serena didn't die!

She fell onto the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, not knowing where she was, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, she began touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas. Slowly a smile of delight spread on her face and she mumbled,

"Gentlemen, please! One at a time!"

smart beggar?

Ahmed and Hamid were both beggars at several motorway services.

Ahmed drove a Mercedes, lived in a mortgage free house and had a lot of money to spend .

But Hamid brought in only 2 to 3 pounds a day. Curious, Hamid asked Ahmed how he managed to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day, day after day.

"Look at your sign," Ahmed said. "It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support'.
Britons who see that don't feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."

Hamid looked and Ahmed's sign read:

"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."

Jim & Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"