3 tough mice...

‎3 mice in a pub having debating about who is the hardest mouse.

1st mouse says, "I am, I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room"

2nd mouse says: "Oh yeah!? I get rat poison, crush it into powder & snort it!"

3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, "Where are you going?" ask the other two. "Home to F**K the Cat !!"

Every man's favourite ATM!

The Parking Space

A man was driving down a street to attend an important meeting. 

Try as he might, he could not find a parking spot. Desperately, he looked up towards heaven and said, "Lord, have pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking space appeared. 

The man looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

The Biker's Wish

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded over above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." 

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Yeah...you want two lanes or four on that bridge?" 

Not just in India - London too!

 

 

Grounds for divorce?

Punjabi woman to her mother: 'I'm divorcing Kuldip. All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent coin, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin!

Mother: 'You're married to a millionaire lawyer, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Canada, you drive a Mercedes 300SEL... You get $10,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year...and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents? 

The Priest at the Races

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

 

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

 
Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

 
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

 
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

 
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

 
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

 
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
 
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was standing.

 
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it."

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

Poor little rich kid

An Arab student sends an email to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college in my pure gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your loving son,

Nasser

  

  

The next day, Nasser receives a reply to his email from his dad

Dear son,

I have just had twenty million US dollars transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Your loving

Dad

Divorced Barbie

A father gets off work and on his way home, suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. 

He pulls over to a toy shop and enters the doll section.

'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' he asks the sales person. 

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'

Zardari jokes

1. Scratch and win

lllllllllllll
lllllllllli
llllllllri
lllllari
lllardari
Zardari
Mubarak ho, aapka KUTTA nikla hai.
(Congratulations. It's a dog.)

2. Long lines

A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line.
"Did you manage to kill him?" everyone asks.
"No, that line is longer than this one," he replies.

3. Robber meets Zardari

Robber: "Give me all your money!"
Zardari: "Don't you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari!"
Robber: "Okay. Give me all my money."

4. TV anchor announcement

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five litres."

5. Postmaster General announcement

To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused as to which side of the stamp to spit on.

6. Genie meets Pakistani

Genie to Pakistani: Order me, my master. What is your wish?
Pakistani to genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: I'm a genie, not Zardari.

7. Two dogs

Upset with Zardari, his dog jumped into a dirty sewer.
Said it's not fair for two dogs to live under one roof.

8. Pakistani meets American

Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials.
Pakistani: That's nothing. We give them the presidency.

9. Announcement In Zardari's official airplane

Mr. President , We are about to land. Could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information Minister) in an upright position. Thank you.

 

Fw: The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this poor, homeless man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before.

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?                             

British opinion

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 

He tried again. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this poor, homeless man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before.

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?                             

Washington Post Rhyming Contest

The Washington Post ran a competition asking for a two-line rhyme from readers. The first line was to be the most romantic one could think of, while the second was to be the least romantic.

The following were the winning entries.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, 
Marrying you screwed up my life. 
                
I see your face when I am dreaming. 
That's why I always wake up screaming. 
                
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; 
This describes everything you're not. 
                                                      
I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother. 
                
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. 
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 
                
I want to feel your sweet embrace; 
But don't take that paper bag off your face. 
                                
My love, you take my breath away. 
What have you stepped in to smell this way? 
                
My feelings for you no words can tell, 
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'       

     

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- 
Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 
  
What inspired this amorous rhyme? 
Two parts tequila, one part lime.

Radio Pakistan

Hello! This is Radio Pakistan and you are listening to the sports news.

First, we'll start with the results of tomorrow's match...

Sex after death

A couple made a deal that whichever of them died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death.

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy...Judy!"

 

"Is that you, Bill?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

 

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

 

After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.

 

I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

 

"Oh, Bill! Are you in heaven?"

 

"No. I'm a rabbit in Miami."

 

Website names gone terribly wrong

Why it is so important to think before choosing your website name!

www.whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com/> 
Who Represents: A database for agencies for the rich and famous


www.expertsexchange.com <http://www.expertsexchange.com/> 
Experts Exchange: A knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views

www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/> 
Pen Island: Looking for a pen? Look no further

www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/> 
Therepist Finder: Need a therapist?

www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/> 

Powergen Italia: An Italian power company

www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com/> 
Mole Station Nursery: information on plant nurseries based in South Wales

The doctor's assistant

 

A doctor in Dublin wants to get off work and go fishing, so he approaches his assistant to help him out.   "Roger Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and take care of all me patients".    "Yes sir!" answers Murphy.    The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day. He asks his assistant: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"    Murphy tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."      "Bravo Murphy m'lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.    "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir," says Murphy.    "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this - and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.    "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in, so she does! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything, including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I've not seen any man!'    "Thunderin' Lord Jesus! Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.    "I put drops in her eyes, sir!"

 

 

Molly the Camel

A new Army Captain is assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

 

During his first inspection of the outfit, he notices a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

 

The nervous sergeant says, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the camel."

 

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

 

About a month later, the Captain begins to have his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

 

The Captain places a ladder against the camel's, climbs up it, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with Molly.

 

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'That was amazing! Is that how the men do it?'

 

'No sir," the Sergeant replies 'They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

Tom Smith's surgery

One Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Susie Smith stood and walked to the podium. 

She said, "I have thanks to offer. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

A collective muffled gasp was heard from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "praise the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief. 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 

"I'm Tom Smith," he said. 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."

The Indian Salesman

A keen immigrant Indian lad applied for a salesman's job at a premier downtown department store in New York that sold just about anything in the world.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes sir, I was a salesman in India," replied the lad.

Though not impressed by his Indian precedents, the boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. Finally 6:00pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"Just the one, sir," said the young salesman.

"Only one sale?" blurted out the boss. "No, no! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale worth?"

"$236,000" said the young man.

"What!" How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd need a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer. I then asked him where he'd be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!!"

"No," answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."

Dumb kid?

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." 

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks. "Which do you want, son? "

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. 

"What did I tell you?" says the barber, grinning. "That kid never learns! " 

Later, as the customer is leaving, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 

He calls to him. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? 

"Sure," the kid says.

"Why did you take the two one rupee coins instead of the five rupee coin?"

The boy licks his cone and replies, "Because the day I take the five rupee coin, the game's over."

Fw: Kaun Baanega Caarorepaati men?

The Goan Slumdog 


Our friend from Moira, Juze Bostiaum, appears on Kaun Banega Crorepati, Amitabh Bachchan's show from Mumbai. Juze has miraculously reached the end of the rounds by saying all his Rosaries and Novenas and has already won Rs. 50 lakhs.

"You've done very well so far," says Amitabh, "but for Rs. 1 crore, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a Friend. Everything's riding on this question...will you go for it?"

"Sure," says Juze. "Aum ek last chance marta!"

"OK...the question is...Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo, or (d) Crow"?

"Heje mainchem cazar... I not knowing dat," says Juze, "so better use my last life line, and phone to my friend, Pedru Pochok  (actual name: Pedro Pacheco) from Mumbai. He's a Mangy, but a Bandra boy and born-and-brought-up in Mumbai men, so he's too smart - a real shaana bugger."

Juze calls up his friend in Mumbai, tells him the circumstances and repeats the question to him.

"Arrey baba!" cried Pedru, "Sarko endo murre tu, simple it is...it's a cookoo!"

"Ah-vois, sure murre, Pedru?" asks Juze.

"Arrey Baba, hundred percent sure re! Pakka!"

Juze hangs up the phone and says to Amitabh Bachchan, "I tell cookoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asks Amitabh.

"Sarkem sure, Sir!"

There is a long, long pause, and then Amitabh Bachchan screams, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Juze, you've won Rs..1 Crore!!"

The next night, Juze throws a big party for all the people from Moira, at the Moira Club. Pedru is specially flown in from Mumbai, as the Chief Guest.

Time for speeches...Juze takes the mic and asks Pedru, "Saang murre, Pedru? Foo told you? How you know cookoo isn't building its own nest? Otherwise you sarko bondo and know nothing about birds, re! Your fadder or teecher tol you, ah-what?

"C'mon yaaar! Bas-kya! Fot yor saying?" laughs Pedru. "You Goan Pãos are sometimes such duffers, men - everybody knows a cookoo lives in a clock!"

 

Cat Lover

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats? I..."

Before she could finish, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz"?!!!

Perception

Two women are chatting at the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for another hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner, which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home, which took an hour – and when we got home remember, there was no electricity, so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Beethovan's Grave

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard strange noises coming from the patch where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and fetched the priest to listen.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too...most puzzling!"

He listened further and murmured, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on him. He stood up and turned to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"Fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Taxing Time

A man who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the
accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear
your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.' "

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're
still going to get screwed.

The Saddest Siamese Twins in the World

What men want?

Keeping the Rabbi

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*ck the Rabbi!"

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

 

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

 

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

 

"There is more to tell, Father...she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

 

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

 

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

 

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

 

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

The Sympathetic Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier around here?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way...'

After the police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls...I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!'

What Do You Do After You Retire?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. 

We were only in there for about five minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. 

I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home. 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.